British Rail passengers ...

I used the train last year for the first time in ages and found it to be a reasonably pleasant experience. I was travelling early morning from Norwich to London and it obviously wasn't so brilliant for those passengers who alighted at Colchester and Chelmsford, the last two stops, and found themselves standing.

We still have a long way to go on train travel, particularly if it is to compete with the low cost airlines. Fares need to come down, punctuality improved, and there does need to be additional carriages at certain times of the day, but it seems as if improvements are taking place.

This week has seen the French TGV train break its own speed record at around 357mph. If British trains attained that sort of speed, I just have this image of train staff serving teas and coffees ... whoaa!

Q: How many British Rail passengers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They missed the connection when making the change.

Doorstep Sellers ...

When I were a small lad we lived in shoe box ... No, we didn't actually, we lived in a chalet bungalow in a Suffolk village called Bramfield ( catch up with The Bramfieldian here ) which was a great place to grow up.

Doorstep calling didn't seem quite so rife as it does now, but I do remember a very polite Seikh gentleman who would knock on the door every few months or so, carrying a suitcase packed with household items such as brushes, dusters etc. I suppose it was easier to sell such items then in rural areas because we didn't have any supermarkets close by, just a couple of village shops. My Mother would generally buy something from our Seikh friend and say goodbye until the next time. The likes of Bettaware have reinvented the home selling market, but generally door to door selling is just so old hat now, not to mention extremely annoying. Doorsteps sellers now have the training and the trickery. "I'm not trying to sell you anything today" Yeah, right, on your bike!

I remember a great sign I saw once which I keep meaning to hang up outside the front door. "Every third doorstep seller is shot. The second one has just left."

Q: How many doorstep sellers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I can tell you now, countless surveys have shown we are top for changing lightbulbs. How much are you currently paying? We can save you at least 50% on your current bill. You don't have to do a thing, except sign here to say you'll think about it, and here, and just here.

Magicians ...

Magic is a hobby of mine and has been for a number of years now. I suppose it just started with a natural curiosity to find out how tricks were done, but as I started buying books and learning to perform effects I started to come up with my own. I've actually veered more to the mentalism side because that appealed to me more than the more conventional vanishes, transformations and levitations.

Over time I've built up a small collection of books on mentalism ( frightening if I add up the cost ) and because I enjoy solving puzzles I love to read and re-read these fascinating works and try and devise my own handling or method. Derren Brown has brought even more attention to this area of magic and my wife actually had the pleasure of being up on stage with him when he came to Norwich. My birthday treat and she gets to help out. Superb entertainment and a consumate professional. Derren Brown was good as well.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to actually change it, probably into a Bengal tiger with the bulb lit up inside it, but then several more will debate the method, others will claim it's their effect, still more will announce their own version to feature in their forthcoming publication, while others will make futile posts on magic forum asking for the method.

Soap Stars ...

What is it about the TV soaps that makes them such essential viewing for so many? Not me, I hasten to add. I did used to watch Corrie and Eastenders but just got bored with them. Unfortunately there are just so many love triangle combinations and complications with a small cast and it does get very repetitive.

Very often you'll see similar story lines crop up on different shows and you can soon spot echoes of past plots. Every now and then they try and spice it up with a death and disaster but even the Emmerdale who-dunnit has echoes of "Who Shot JR".

Too many shows per week to cram in and the quality is bound to suffer.

Q: How many soap stars does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six or seven, probably at a party when the lights go out. While someone goes off to find a new bulb the husband from one couple and the wife from another will get better acquainted, someone will get struck down with a blunt instrument, someone will try and use a lighter to see in the dark a bit too close to the leaking gas stove and the house blows up.

Publishers ...

As I'm currently one short I'll throw in a quickie. I just don't care.

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. They are quite capable of screwing both the bulb and the author.

Dentists ...

I had a very bad dental experience when I was fifteen and it put me of visiting the dentist for years. It was decided I required four teeth out and a brace fitting. I was given gas to facilitate this operation and under I went. A very peculiar dream ensued with me on a roller coaster with some bizarre characters resembling Bertie Bassett.

Anyway, back to the real world and I'm feeling a bit rough. My mother drove me home and had to stop the car several times while I evacuated my breakfast. I then had to return for a dental impression and then the brace fitting and I just got fed up with the whole enterprise.

I certainly admire my daughter who has undergone a similar experience in the past eighteen months ( but with injection rather than gas for the extractions ) and has now finished with her brace. Tooth care though is so much better these days.

I do now go regularly and although I still find it an uncomfortable experience, I do accept it's necessary if I'm to avoid losing my choppers in the foreseeable future.

Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, and his rather attractive dental nurse ( is there something going on there we wonder ) "Yes, I'm afraid that bulb will have to come out. Just a question of whether you want to leave a gap ( is it in a socket that can be seen easily? ), or perhaps you might consider replacing it with a false bulb. Let me show you some price comparisons."

Cricketers ...

I've always loved watching cricket and when I was at school I always enjoyed playing it. Didn't have a huge talent with bat or ball, but made up for it with lots of enthusiasm.

My paternal grandfather was a big cricket fan and had played for his village team. The fact that he'd lost a leg during the First World War didn't stop him, and he went out to bat with a runner. ( For non cricket fans, he had someone else run between the wickets for him, but he faced the bowling )

He came to watch me once. I'd been persuaded to play for a town team by a friend and my family were there on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Sadly I went for a huge hit off the first ball and heard my stumps clatter. That was me back to the pavillion. My grandfather apparently was chatting to someone and missed my demise. It was back to watching the game after that.

Q: How many cricketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because bad light stops play.

Farmers ...

I'm off on one of my long day trips tomorrow so thought I'd post tomorrow today. This is a cheap shot at the farming community. Bless em. Used to say they were always moaning about how money was tight yet they always had cash to splash. These days there is perhaps the odd reason to curse their luck; low prices on livestock, various disease outbreaks, supermarket squeezing margins. One thing is never in doubt. We do need them. Milk, cheese, meat and produce didn't just appear in the shops as if by magic.

Q: How many farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, unless he can get a subsidy for leaving it fallow.

Countdown Contestants ...

Countdown, the TV words and numbers game, was the first programme broadcast on Channel 4, on November 2nd, 1982 and is was actually based on a French programme, "Des Chiffres et Des Lettres". Coincidentally the last two presenters have been Des ( Messers Lynham and O'Connor ). Whoa, how spooky is that?

Of course it is the shows original presenter, the late Richard Whiteley, who really helped the programme achieve the almost cult status it has. Together with the ever present Carol Vorderman, who has done pretty well for herself getting her name associated with anything vaguely mathimatical. When the Sudoku craze hit Britain she must have thought all her Christmases had arrived at once.

Amazingly this is another hugely popular show where there is no million pound jackpot, or holidays or electrical goods to be won. A bit like Mastermind, it really is the taking part that counts. Oh, and Carol as well.

Q: How many Countdown Contestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One from the top, two, then one then two from the bottom.

Jedi Knights ...

George Lucas certainly tapped into something when he created Star Wars. I doubt if even he could have forseen the billion dollar phenomenon that lay ahead. What he did was translate the Space Opera sub-genre of Science Fiction to the movie screen, perhaps best illustrated by that iconic ( and much copied ) opening shot of the huge space ship roaring in from above the screen.

Space Opera doesn't pay too much attention to the laws of physics. Spaceships roar in space and manouver as if in an atmosphere, but the stories are the important thing; classic good versus evil on a grand scale.

I've borrowed this list from Wikipedia to describe the classic elements of Space Opera:

• Setting
- Outer Space or distant planet

• Characters
- Aliens usually speak English, possibly with an accent and tend to be humanoid
- Depth of character development and description can vary but some people refuse to apply the term ‘space opera’ to a work with well-developed characterization
- Often no shades of gray in characters; they are good or evil

• Plot
- Set apart from other science fiction sub-genres by ultimate good vs. evil stories
- Large scale, planet/galaxy/universe depends on survival of hero’s civilization
- Romance components
- Formulaic
- Space battles

• Technology
- Ray-guns or a gun-like weapon
- Robots
- Spaceships

• Scientific plausibility
- Spaceships violate laws of physics with faster-than-light travel. Also they can have unrealistic maneuverability and rarely need to decelerate.
- Diverge from known physical reality invoking paranormal forces or vast powers capable of destroying planets, stars or galaxies

Q: How many Jedi Knights does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Once a bulb has gone over to the dark side there is no way back.

Clowns ...

I'm afraid I've never seen the funny side of clowns. Whenever I've watched a circus and the clowns have come on to do their thing, it's just left me cold. Which is strange, because I have a varied taste in humour and I enjoy the occasional bit of slapstick.

Then again I was also never impressed with Charlie Chaplin. Loved Laurel and Hardy and always found them so much more amusing. Chaplin, for all his skill and agility just didn't hit the funny bone at all. I can't say it is an age thing because clowning around never appealed to me as a child, either going to the Hippodrome Circus in Great Yarmouth, or watching Billy Smart's Circus at Christmas on TV.

I suppose that's it. You love 'em or you hate 'em. Just no in between with clowns.

Q: How many clowns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Usually about five plus an exploding car. Lots of problems getting a ladder in place, people getting squirted with water, custard pies, elastic braces, oh and watch out for that plank of wood!

Football Managers ...

Funny old game being a football manager. You're only as good as your last game and it just takes a run of bad results to put your job in peril. Sometimes you just need one good result to turn your fortunes around. Sometimes that result doesn't come. Put that together with the dreaded 'vote of confidence' from the Chairman and you know you're on your way. Time to take up something less hazardous - like alligator wrestling.

Q: How many Football Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2, if you're lucky. One will get the sack for taking the lightbulb down from the dizzy heights and bright lights. It may just take the next one to get the bulb back up where it belongs, but if he fails then someone else will take over.

Screenwriters ...

Do you ever wonder how some films are made. Perhaps more to the point with some films, why they are made. I often think that looking at British film output, particularly where Lottery funding has been obtained. In one sense you want funding to be available for British films, so at least we can compete with the Hollywood factory, but we also want entertaining output, not some turgid self-indulgent piece starring a host of luvvies but which nobody wants to watch.

You also don't want turgid piles of poo posing as British comedy, such as "Sex Lives of the Potato Men". We can do comedy and we can do it well. However, we do produce a lot of rubbish. You'd just think that someone atv a high enough level would say "Whoa! Hold on. This stinks!"

I should also add that Hollywood obviously produces its fair share of hideous cinematic fayre, "Norbit" being a recent example, but they can take care of themselves. Oh for a British film industry that consistently produces entertaining movies that we all want to watch.

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.

Consultants ...

In recent years the job to be in is consultancy. Call yourself a consultant on virtually any topic and you're in! Look at any major Government project and dig into the costs to unearth the exhorbitant consultancy fees. Where would we be without them? Well, judging by the outcome of many high profile projects a lot better off financially and the projects themselves would have been delivered a lot more efficiently.

Add them to my expanding list of professions nobody would miss if they disappeared.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One consultancy firm, but the process will take six months, bids will be tendered for the change, and the cost will rise from an initial estimate of £5000 to £250,000 by the time the bulb is changed.

University Lecturers ...

I had to smile recently when University Lecturers were campaigning for some ridiculous percentage rise in their salary. Given the amount of holiday time and the actual number of lectures they carry out I reckon their rate per hour worked is pretty damned good.

Friends of mine whose kids are going through University at the moment are amazed at how infrequent lectures are. True the student must put in their own hours of research and study, and lecturers must be available for one on one and group discussions, but I just feel they have an over eggagerated view of their own worth.

Plus, in common with a lot of people who live and breathe academia, they have no common sense whatsoever.

Q: How many University Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They can give you the science of how the bulb works, it's history and development, it's manufacturing process, it's social impact, and philosophical arguements for its existence. As for changing it? Ah, well that's what the janitor is there for.

Tina Turner fans ...

Both of you regular readers will have observed correctly that I missed the post yesterday. I was busy with a work project and busy on The Jester site adding some new content. If you want to check out what I was up to you can catch up with the all new Bramfieldian Headlines.
There is a theme running through my three main web projects and that is original humour. I try to create as much new stuff on this blog as I can, I have a joke creation workshop on The Jester site, plus the aforementioned Headlines, and I have a Squidoo Lens based around and containing original jokes. All three help to sharpen the mind and I'm writing more material at the moment than I have done for a long time. Whether it's funny is not down to me but to those that read it, but I hope it's all being enjoyed.

All of which has got nothing to do with Tina Turner.

Q: How many Tina Turner fans does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: It takes two, baby. Me and you.

Ninja ...

For diversion I occasionally wander at random through Wikipedia. If you've never visited this online repository of anything and everything the do yourself a favour, take half an hour out and give it a look. It's a collaborative effort and because of the sheer size of the undertaking there is always help required. It is an extraordinary site by any standards, but simply invaluable as a reference tool.

I was foraging today and found this under Ninja:

A ninja may have been an assassin or spy in Japanese culture, usually trained for stealth. Appearing in fourteenth century feudal Japan, and active from the Kamakura to the Edo period, their roles may have included sabotage, espionage, scouting, and assassination missions, perhaps in the service of feudal rulers (daimyo or shogun). Since the art of stealth killing leaves no witness, the truth about ninja will likely remain hidden.

It then goes on to detail the history, culture, clothing and weapons of the Ninja. I was just looking for some reference material for another piece I was writing, but as I'd paused on that page I thought I might as well use it here.

Q: How many Ninja does it take to ... ah. Seems to be a new bulb in already, and no sign of the old one. Plus, the room was locked and the windows barred.

Glam Rock Fans ...

How music has changed in half a century. My first introduction to music being played at home was listening to 78's on a wind up gramaphone. In my teens I began to collect singles and LP's for myself, as well as recording 'pop' music from the radio on to a reel to reel tape recorder.

Now my daughter has a huge amount of music stored on an MP3 player no bigger than a keyring. How much longer before we dispense with buying CD's altogether and simply rely on downloading what we want? And what's next? We've had 78's, Vinyl, reel to reel magnetic tape, cassette tape, 8-Track ( anyone still got an 8-track? ), laser disc, CD's, DVD's, iPods and MP3's.

Funnily enough, I still have a sizeable vinyl collection of mainly 70's LP's and there's always great pleasure in rediscovering tracks I first listened to all those years ago. For listening to music at home I'm still happy with an old fashioned record player.

Q: How many glam rock fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they just love The Darkness.

Style Consultants ...

There's a strange modern phenomenon; the style consultant. A bit like the interior designer and the wedding planner. Their sole function in life is to tell us that we are totally inadequate at thinking for ourselves and that we can't manage a particular area of our lives without them; certainly for those that have more money than sense.

I have this antagonism towards the fashion industry anyway. My wife constantly tells me I have no fashion sense, but what is fashion? Why is brown this year's green? Who gives a stuff? Wear what you like and just be comfortable. Fashion is just another big con ( see my Modern Art post ).

The truth is that if all these consultants suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet, the world would still revolve, life would carry on as normal, and they wouldn't be missed at all.

Q: How many style consultants does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: I don't think you can ever change a lightbulb. They are very set in what their position is in life and their role, and although they can be very illuminating on a lot of subjects they are just very set in their ways. I did take one out once. Cinema, meal and nightclub; but I found it to be very dull outside the comfort of its own environment.

Marxist-Leninists ...

It's Sunday ( again ), the sun is shining and the lawn is beckoning. I managed to mow down most of the back lawn yesterday and was amazed that our 14 year old petrol mower started first time. It's patched over with heavy duty tape but is still cutting the grass and getting most of it into the container at the back.

Today then no time to dilly dally writing blogs. I am being called away by the first real spring like weather - and the wife! Thus, I pop into my lightbulb cupboard and retrieve the following for your daily delictation.

Q: How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The internal conflict inherent in the bulb will intensify, and naturally lead to a state of revolution.

CB Truckers ...

Remember the CB craze? Big in the 70's. Well it was in the UK. I've still got CW McCall's album featuring Convoy, which loosely formed the basis for the 1978 film of the same name. As much as I love Sam Peckinpah films ( "The Wild Bunch" one of my all time favourites ) Convoy wasn't up there with his best, but it just piggy backed the CB craze.

I suppose it was the fascinating language of the CB air waves that caught the attention. Based around the 10 codes, it covered all aspects of driving long distances on US highways, which never quite translated as well to the much shorter and more tortuous roads in the UK.

"Convoy" the song brilliantly wove this unique language into the lyrics:
Was the dark of the moon, on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth, pullin' logs
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We 'as headin' fer bear on I-One-Oh
'Bout a mile outta Shaky-Town
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
An' I'm about to put the hammer on down

And there is always this battle with law enforcement as a secondary theme. I love CB references to the police:
"Smokey in a plain brown wrapper" – a law officer in an unmarked police car.
"Kojak with a Kodak" – a law officer monitoring traffic with a radar gun.
"Gum ball machine" – refers to a popular style of rotating mirror light used by many state police and some other law enforcement agencies.

Q: How many CB Truckers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10-4, good buddy. Look's like I've got a black eye, and a bear on my tail.

Minority Rights Activists ...

Certain groups of people get very exercised over certain issues. Gay Rights; Animal Rights; Women's Rights. I suppose if you believe in something that strongly then it is your democratic right to march in large numbers with placards and a megaphone shouting "When do we want it? Now!"

Mind you we've moved on a bit in terms of direct action now, with animal rights loonies leading the way in utilising terrorists methods to further their cause. Am I exercised about any of this? No.

Here in Norfolk we're a bit more laid back about things. Apathy rules, OK. Anyone? Oh well, never mind.

Q: How many Minority Rights Activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why should the bulb have to change for society to accept it.

Idiots ...

You know what? As I'm not going to have time tomorrow to post I'm going to double post today. As both of you will know this isn't a unique situation, I have added an extra post before if I felt the urge. Today is a very quick throw away day anyway. Damn, I'm gibbering like an idiot.

Q: How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It just takes one idiot to screw it up for the rest of us.

Whalers ..

Not very inspired today. Probably thinking about a long car journey I have to make for work tomorrow. So today's change is a bit off the wall. No personal recollections; no witty anecdotes. just this

Q: How many whalers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Light off the starboard bow! Tha she blows!

Actors ...

Many years ago I belonged to one or two amateur dramatic groups and I had great fun. It's a huge commitment, particularly in the run up to performance, but the buzz of being on stage, the nerves, the mishaps, the applause. Not so easy now to mix family life and the amateur stage, unless everyone is involved and willing to regularly attend rehearsals and help with all the ancillary tasks; set building, costumes, props, and box office.

There isn't another hobby quite like it, certainly one that generates as many funny stories of things going wrong. I can remember a play where we had to get a car on stage; a farce that was so complicated we had all our moves pinned up backstage so we could remember the next door to enter from; various pantomimes with so much being made up as we went along; and a production of Dracula that was just so much fun. At one time I had three productions on the go at one time, with three different groups, and I was rehearsing something nearly every night. I don't think my stamina or memory would cope these days, but a lot of happy memories to look back on.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but what's my motivation, Darling? Am I drawn to it out of pity or guilt or remorse. Do you want pathos with the removal of the dead bulb. I do pathos very well. When I deliver my line, "The bulb's gone." do you want me in the armchair at that point, or standing just under it?

Mastermind Contestants ...

Both of you regular readers may have noticed that I ended up one post short last week. This was due to a day spent away from the computer on Saturday. I am trying to average one per day so I've thrown in an extra one tonight. I'm still not sure How Many Blogs before I totally run out of steam on this subject, and I might be better protracting affairs by missing out the odd one, but this is a discipline after all and I'm going to stick with one a day until I hit the buffers.

Here's your Monday night bonus.

Q: How many Mastermind Contestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Pass.

Members of Parliament ...

I thought the Major administration was pretty gaff prone, but New Labour take the biscuit for the most useless and incompetent Government of all time. Everything they touch goes wrong, goes over budget or is a shambles. It's a statement on how poor the opposition have been that they've won three consecutive terms in office.

The country still waits for a Prime Minister and a Government that says we may get it wrong from time to time but whatever happens we will be up front and honest. They forget they are our representatives. We put them there. They seem to think that once the election is over they'll do what they do for the good of the party, not for the country.

Complete freedom of information ( as long as national security isn't compromised ), every process of Government documented and available for inspection ( Parliament is documented but this lot treat it with contempt ) and above all complete honesty. Is it really too much to ask?

Version 1
Q: How many Members of Parliament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, Jeremy, I think it's far too early to tell.

Version 2
Q: How many Members of Parliament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, although
15 will jet off to the Bahamas on a lightbulb fact finding mission.
8 will form the Lightbulb Standing Committee to review current bulb legislation.
5 Ministers will be on radio and TV promoting the Government line on lightbulb change
1 will raise the matter of the deceased lightbulb during Prime Minister's Questions as the bulb was in his constituency.

Chiropractors ...

As a tall human being I am prone to the occasional back problem. It would seem I have a slight weakness in my lower back on the left side. For anyone who's ever had a painful back and been unable to move freely you'll know how frustrating it is. You just keep thinking you must be able get up and walk around, but your back keeps telling you otherwise.

I did initially seek help from my GP but apart from advising rest, pain killers, and some home spun thoughts on sitting at work, they didn't seem able to conquer the problem. I decided to try a chiropractor in town and hey presto, instant mobility.

It's obvious that different treatments work for different people, and while physiotherapy works for some, a chiropractor or osteopath is the first choice for others. I just wish GP's would be a bit more willing to refer patients to these alternative remedies.

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it will take six visits.

Help Desk Staff ...

I usually blog early morning, but today there was so much else going on I've had to leave it until now; approximately twenty past eight this Friday night. As well as programming for a living I also support the product I create and today there were a few more enquiries than usual.

I'm pleased to say it's usually not about program failure but more about transferring the program to another PC or Users forgetting how to carry out certain tasks. I've spent a long time in the service industry so I am remarkably patient with Customers no matter what the problem. I always remember how I felt when I got my first PC and was learning how to operate it. As you get to know Customers you understand their levels of competency and guide them accordingly. For some it will never be simple because they just don't have an aptitude for anything related to the computer. It's easy for some technical wizards to forget that.

Q: How many Help Desk staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because you will have to do this yourself. Now, are you standing underneath the bulb? OK, let me know when you're in position. Yes it's that round thing hanging from the ceiling. No, don't touch it yet. Oh, you have. Was it very hot?

Psychologists ...

There's a time and a place for talking through your problems but we always get the impression this side of the pond that Americans are obsessed with seeing a shrink. Perhaps obsessed is too strong, but it's seen as a routine thing to do rather than over here where you'd probably prefer to keep quiet about any such therapy.

It's only in recent years as well that the counselling industry has flourished. As soon as there is a major trauma somewhere, the counsellors spring up like crocuses in spring. There does seem to be plenty of debate about how useful all this counselling is. The idea of reliving some dire event over and over to get it out of your system. There are certainly some who argue that victims are often better off without.

Counselling, syndromes, ... lots of things we never knew we had or we needed until now.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change.

Star Trek security personnel ...

The first series of Star Trek obviously looks dated now when we consider the CGI effects available to today's program makers, but at the time it was ground breaking in many respects, and as a big SF fan I lapped it up. It's been parodied many times by professionals and by fans, and certainly the disposable nature of the security personnel has been pointed up more than once.

If you've ever seen the brilliant film spoof Galaxy Quest then you'll know where I'm coming from. These poor souls would beam down to the planet's surface and you just knew they'd be the first in the firing line. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scottie were always going to survive, so if someone had to be killed by this week's threat then it would be the guy in the red shirt. In fact Wikipedia has this to say about red shirts:

"A redshirt is a stock character, used frequently in science fiction but also in other genres, whose sole purpose is to die violently soon after being introduced. Redshirts are a plot device used to indicate the dangerous circumstances faced by the main characters at the start of a narrative without having to kill any of the vital main characters. The term comes from the popular American science fiction television series Star Trek, in which security officers wore red shirts, and were often killed on missions under the aforementioned circumstances."

It follows that if you wear the aforementioned red shirt, changing a lightbulb will not be a simple affair.

Q: How many Star Trek security personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3 All of whom will perish in various unpleasant ways ( creature in the darkness, electrical entity in the light socket, the bulb is a shape shifting assassin ) before Kirk, with Spock's assistance, is able to change the bulb without violating the Prime Directive.

Family Fortunes contestants ...

Forget working for a living. Just devise a brilliant TV game show formula and retire. Certainly worked for the couple who thought up The Weakest Link. They receive a pretty tidy sum every time an episode is broadcast, and it doesn't show signs of ending yet.

The race is always on to find something to match the success of Weakest Link and Millionaire, but if there are no new ideas in the pipeline then fall back on the old ones, like The Price Is Right. I suppose we all have our favourites, past and present. My earliest recollections are Take Your Pick and Double Your Money. Also Criss Cross Quiz based on noughts and crosses. Then Sunday afternoons became the home for shows like The Golden Shot and Bullseye.

And that's why it's hard devising a new show, because so much has already been tried. Every permutation of asking general knowledge questions under pressure, performing an activity ( ah, the legend that is Bruce Forsyth and The Generation Game ), games for individuals, for teams, or for families. Speaking of which ...

Q: How many Family Fortunes contestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. You say 5. Our survey said, "Ugh Ugh!" No, it's not there, three lives gone and the Diddicoy family have a chance to steal.

Gardeners ...

A warmer winter and lots of rainfall has combined to bestow our front lawn and back lawn with meadow like status. The grass is tall, the weeds are flourishing, and David Attenborough would not look out of place in our garden tracking down wildlife. I was hoping for a break in the damp weather to wheel out our rather dilapadated petrol mower for it's first outing of the year, but it wasn't to be.

Lawns are about the only aspect of gardening that I can cope with reasonably well. Weeding, cutting, digging, planting ... forget it! I find it completely soul destroying, and so mind numbingly boring! Faced with an eternity of gardening, or being stung by a billion rampant wasps, then our little stingy friends would win hands down. Then again, a lot of gardeners probably see a day spent hunched over a computer as a wasted life. I often think that if no-one ever reads what I commit to the screen, they could well be right.

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but strictly speaking this is the wrong time of year to be transplanting bulbs.

ADD Sufferers ...

Please don't tell me it's Sunday again. What is it about getting older that also compacts time. Writing a daily blog doesn't help in that respect, because you seem to tick off the days very quickly. I suppose most people find that with any daily routine, like a job that involves the same procedures each day. If you are fortunate in having a lot of variety in your life I'm sure that does slow time in your own mind.

Last week I was postponing The Jester launch for another week. So today, at around 9:00 pm GMT, I'm going to go for it. It's a bit like setting up a stall in the middle of the countryside. If no-one knows you are there, you won't sell anything, so a lot of effort now has to go into promoting The Jester to drive up interest and make some sales. I'll devote next Sunday's entry to an update.

Back to today and it's Sunday, so I stick a pin in my list and voila!

Q: How many ADD sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh look a blue car!

Sudoku solvers ...

I'm hooked. I love maths and working with numbers, and I love puzzle solving. Sudoku presses my buttons every time. I try not to start one if I've a busy day planned because I know I will just have to finish it. If it's a particularly hard puzzle, then I might be tied up for some time.

Sudoku puzzles are excellent brain food and one way of exciting those little grey cells that so often get fed a diet of wallpaper TV and tedium in a non too stimulating job. A puzzle a day can help keep the Alzheimers away. There are a number of strategies for tackling these puzzles, although I've never studied them in any great depth. I just know I have one or two methods I use, particularly for the very tough ones, and I usually solve them.

I've just seen the ad for a 3D version. That I will stay away from. This blog might never see another post. Er, was that a cheer?

Q: How many Sudoku solvers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: ( in the grey square )

Golfers ...

I used to play golf. My clubs and bag sit forlornly at the back of the garage, having not been taken out in anger for over thirty years. I enjoyed the sport. I didn't always hit the ball well, and never bothered with handicaps or competitions but I had fun.

The club I belonged to was Southwold, on the Suffolk coast. 9 holes that you played twice and with a variety of hazards to trip you up. Plenty of bushes and hedges, one mini quarry that usually meant lost ball if you were wayward. The interesting thing with Southwold was the public had free access, so you'd just be teeing off but as well as taking into account the distance, club selection, and wind direction, you also had to keep a wary eye out for people out walking dogs, riders on horseback and cyclists.

I remember the finest drive I ever hit on the long second hole. It was a screamer. Started out right and began to curl back in again, just as I intended. Midway through this arc two elderly ladies popped out from behind the bushes where they had been picking blackberries. The timing was just incredible. The ball missed them by a couple of feet. Words were exchanged, but that was all part of the mix on that course.

The opportunity to mix golfers and lightbulbs offers one or two possibilities. I've settled on this one; you will, no doubt, be able to conjure up more.

Q: How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four!!

City brokers ...

If you think some celebrities and sports people are overpaid, the bonuses paid to some City bankers and brokers are equally obscene. They would argue that they are dealing in billions, the job is stressful, there is an early age burn out, and that the bonuses are only just reward for the huge profits they generate for their respective companies. However, it just sticks in the craw of regular working folk struggling to keep up with the mortgage payments.

It's not dissimilar to Camelot talking about a worldwide lottery with a huge multi-millon jackpot. No! No! No! That's just plain stupid. I do the lottery and usually tear up my ticket with two or less numbers up, and yes I would like to win a million and I'd be extremely happy with that. If they have a much bigger jackpot then it should be spread more rather than giving it to one person. I know I'm not alone in thinking this and if Camelot want to retain their right to print money when the lottery franchise comes up for grabs agaion, then they would do well to heed it, rather than talking up ridiculously high jackpots.

However, there is no 'fairness' in City bonuses, lotteries, and football wages. If anything these excesses seem to climb ever higher. Witness the Beckham LA move.
Funny old world. They just can't stop laughing about it in Darfur.

Q: How many City brokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 37.83 That's 2.49 less than yesterday's closing figure.

Chinese ...

I visited Hong Kong in the mid-80's and was fascinated by the place. From the moment you fly in, seemingly squeezing in between skyscrapers, to the transit system to the sheer hustle and bustle. In fact the pace was so hectic that midway through the one week stay I took a day out and went to Lantau Island and chilled out on the beach. Yes, there are beaches.

This was a time before the British handover, so you could take a trip up to the Chinese border and see the Chinese army on the other side of the checkpoint. Amazingly for such a small place there was a huge amount to see. Taking the funicular railway up to the top of Victoria Peak, and looking out across Hong Kong, was a highlight, as was riding the trams, taking the Star Ferry and using the very efficient underground system.

Not so good was a rather dodgy Dim Sum at the Star Ferry terminal. I struggled to find anything on my plate that I could comfortably eat. The Aberdeen floating restaurant was another disappointment. I somehow expected better food than was actually served up. Overall though the place was just vibrant and amazing. One of the world's must see's.

For today's journey from darkness into light, I could have gone with:

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Dozens, because Confucious say, "Many hands make light work."

However, I do try an be original here, so my contribution for today is:

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because the man they sent was Tu Lo.

Roadies ..

I've just discovered Accutunes and I always head for the Classic Rock section. Usually I'll end up listening to British rock out of the 60's and 70's because that's my era. I remember the heyday of the pirate radio stations like Radio Caroline and Radio London, and how they turned music radio upside down. I had an Elizabethan reel-to-reel tape recorder ( no the Tudors didn't invent it ) and I would place the microphone next to the speaker to record direct from the radio.

I didn't listen to all my music for free. I built up a large collection of LP's and they are still with me today. They do occasionally get an airing and amazingly play just fine. Music evokes memories, and the music of that time takes me back to school and college. It also reminds me of concerts I attended when rock groups put on a show. Pink Floyd at Wembley ( the stadium ) with that flying pig, and again at Earl's Court when they launched Dark Side Of The Moon with a rocket blasting overhead. I remember Emmerson Lake and Palmer ( never knowingly understated ), The Who and The Stones, and some great Knebworth gigs that always ran late and ended in the early hours.

Oh to have been on tour with those guys. Travelling round the country with umpteen trucks crammed with mega-tons of equipment, and large shed size speakers that could deafen you at four hundred yards. Rock and roll, guys. Rock and roll.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two! One, two! Testing! One, two! Two, two!

Celebrities ...

I have a problem with celebrity. To be more accurate I have a problem with a society obsessed with celebrity. Movie stars, TV stars and sports stars. The weekly magazines are full of them, their eating habits, their dress sense, their unguarded moments. Please! Who cares?

What's even more amazing is people who are now famous ( celebrity ) for being famous. Jade Goody has obviously imploded, in what must be the greatest example of TV irony ever, yet she made a million by appearing in a TV reality show. This is the example that kids want to follow. They want to be on TV, be famous and have their fifteen minutes. Witness the rush to "Media Studies".

We have our sense of worth totally skewed by some of the extraordinary money that some celebrities rake in each year. They are just doing a job like every other working person. They are no better or no worse and neither are their opinions, and yet we worship at their altar; hang on every word; bestow them with free gifts for their endorsement;they are our heroes.

Wrong! If you want real heroes look for those people caring for disabled relatives 24 hours a day; NHS staff struggling to look after us with all the paperwork and pressure; teachers trying to educate when kids have no respect. Any chance they'll make the front of Hello or OK magazine? I think not.

Q: How many celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12 on the C list. One is voted off each week after combining the scores of the judging panel and the viewer phone vote, following a series of wacky challenges, until only one remains to be crowned King or Queen of the Socket, change the lightbulb and claim the money for charity, because that's what it's all about really, not the chance to boost a flagging career or the twenty-five grand appearance money.

Mountaineers ...

Today I had every intention of launching The Jester upon an unsuspecting world. It wasn't going to be anything spectacular. Just me uploading some pages to the web site, setting a price, and sitting back with a cup of tea and a digestive.

As I'm rapidly discovering in this extraordinary world of internet marketing, things don't always go to plan. I'm struggling with web scripts and I still haven't finally set up all my email forms and responses. I feel about as far away from launching as I did a month ago.

However, all is not lost. Another few days and it will be ready. Then it's just the simple matter of letting the internet world know it's there, and therein lies another slice of hard graft. It's tough, it's fun, it's extraordinary, it's rewarding, all in equal measure.

So, where to find our lightbulb changer(s) today. Ah, yes, this will do nicely.

Q: How many mountaineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. Two to wait at base camp while the other two climb the ladder with one eventually reaching the summit to remove the bulb and replace it with a flag.

TV Cops ...

When I was a lad ( ah, steady, I'm sounding older than I really am ) I remember black and white TV and the main diet was cop shows and westerns. Remember "Dixon Of Dock Green"? George Dixon must have been the oldest serving policeman in the world, ever! "Evening all." How quaint and naive it all seems now. Don't know quite what George might have made of CIS. He might have stood there under his blue lamp and said, "You know, they make a lot about foensic work in the force today, but sometimes solving crime comes down to plain old copper's instict. Take the other week ..."

Dan-de-dan-dan. Dan-de-dan-dan-daaaan! Ah yes, Sgt. Joe "I carry a badge" Friday. Loved "Dragnet". "Highway Patrol" and "77 Sunset Strip". Other notable British products, "No Hiding Place", police cars with bells for sirens, which was regular Friday night viewing, and of course, Z Cars with that immortal theme.

Today we have a contrast, from the soap "The Bill", to the stylised, quaintness that is "Midsomer Murders", to the cerebral "Morse" and the spin off "Lewis", the gritty reality of "Taggart" and "Prime Suspect". Crossing the pond it's very slick, led, in my opinion, by the "CIS" franchise.

However, over the years the principal idea behind these programmes hasn't changed too much. You have around 45 minutes to two hours to solve a crime, or series of crimes. "The Bill" because of it's weekly nature can handle stories much differently, but for the rest of them the formula is set. In George Dixon's day the criminal would have his collar felt and go quietly; "OK, it's a fair cop." Today, we might need an OK corral shoot out to sort matters, but we know that by the time the credits roll there will be resolution. I bet cops in the real world wish it were always so.

Q: How many TV cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One to say, "OK, what have we got?"
One to reply, "Lightbulb in the office. Might have been dead for a few hours. We'll know more when we get the electrician's report."
One to enquire, "Anyone see anything?"
One to answer, "The cleaner finished up about eight last night and says it was alright then. Secretary was in early this morning, found the bulb smashed on the floor. She's pretty shook up."
One clever one to notice, "Does something strike you odd about this? Take the spread of the glass on the carpet ... "

Critics ...

The arts, literature, food, music, TV, theatre. For every subjective human entertainment and diversion there are Critics. In fact of course we are all critics, exchanging views on something we have seen or read, but we don't get paid to criticise. I have never quite understood the role of the professional critic. Perhaps there's a certain amount of envy behind that, rather fancying the idea of getting paid to watch films or eat at fine restaurants.

Ultimately it is still one person's view. It is just incredible how much power some of them command. The Broadway critics can close a show; get a slating from a top gourmet reviewer and watch your customers drift away. Yet, and I return to this point, it is still only one person's opinion. How do we know their criticism is balanced and fair? Is there a hidden animosity towards a particular actor, or writer or restaurant owner?

As adults we are perfectly capable of making up our own minds. We know who we like to watch, or read, or see perform, or listen to. We should be quite capable of deciding for ourselves if a brand new venture is worth spending our time and money on, and yet we read the reviews and let someone else decide for us. Yes, my hand is in the air; I'm just as guilty.

Let's be honest, if there were no critics, the public would still decide for themselves. Word of mouth is a powerful product endorsement, and equally can kill off a dud. As business knows all too well, the customer is king; the Critics mere pretenders.

Q: How many critics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One finds oneself lamenting the loss of such a vibrant fixture. It was not without fault, but one could forgive it’s occasional dullness and lack of spark, because ultimately it illuminated us as people, shining light into our very being. Now it’s gone, and I find it’s replacement both brash and full of its own brilliance. One hopes that in time it will calm down and achieve the dignified presence of its predecessor. This reviewer for one remains unconvinced.

Lords and Ladies ...

The landed gentry. What an extraordinary bunch they are. Inheritors of wealth and privilege down the centuries, large piles in the country, educated at the best public schools and finished off at Oxford or Cambridge. With few exceptions you do wonder what they actually contribute to the nation.

Titles such as Lord, Earl, Duke and Baronet. Somewhat anachronistic in the 21st century. At least we've moved away from doffing our caps to them, but some just seem to feel the world owes them a living. We've also moved away from installing them automatically in our second level of Government. The Lords may be rich in tradition and costume, but to automatically assume that someone is capable of reviewing Government legislation just because of a title they inherited was not a sensible approach. Spot the elderly old duffer falling asleep during a debate in the Upper House.

Well, they're not going to disappear anytime soon, so we'll keep popping in every now and then when they throw their estates and homes open to the public, and we'll keep chronicling their wealth and excentricities, and we'll certainly poke fun at such easy targets.

Q: How many Lords and Ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. One has a butler for these matters. Remmington? I understand from Cook that a lightbulb has gawn in the drawing room. Could you organise an electrical fellow to change it. Oh, and not that ghastly chap we had before. Simply no manners at all.

Members of Mensa ...

I've undertaken various tests and exams in my working life, but never one to determine my IQ. Not that I've been particularly bothered. I think I would probably end up with a fair score, but whether it would be high enough to join Mensa is debateable.

I feel it is such a difficult thing to quantify. If you are going to measure anything then it ought to take into account not only your recall of facts and figures and your cognative skills, but also common sense. So many so called academics have the most brilliant mind in their particular field, yet give them an every day, simple task to do and they're lost.

This doesn't just apply to those who teach. We encourage learning and progression to university, and then we fast track these people into key jobs because they have the knowledge. Although this is undoubtedly true, many professionals will tell you that these students are full of theory, and quite often full of themselves, yet useless at grasping common work practices, or handling pressure in the real world.

Knowledge, IQ, degrees. Fine, but let's not forget the school of life.

Q: How many members of Mensa does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.

Microsoft employees ...

What an amazingly simple idea. At a time when most effort in the computer industry was being focussed on the hardware, one man had the nounce to think operating systems. History is made, as are many multi-million dollar fortunes. Love him or hate him, Bill Gates was in the right place at the right time and made the right decisions.

Fast forward over a quarter of a century and we have Windows Vista. Very impressive to look at, although Mac users will probably say they've been ahead in the user interface stakes for years now, but already I notice concerns and gripes about cost, memory required to run it, security, and terms and conditions.

Microsoft's track record on new software releases is not brilliant. Usually worth waiting a year for the initial bugs to be ironed out before plunging in. I think most PC users would just be happy if it was lock tight on security. No more emergency patches to plug gaping holes. Over ten billion spent on the thing, a completely captive audience, can we at least expect it's quick to load, handles crashes quickly and effectively, and doesn't allow malicious individuals the ability to drop viral packets on it. I for one will wait and see.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Microsoft declares darkness the industry standard.

Time travellers ...

Science fiction was always a genre that appealed to me and for some reason time travel stories really got me hooked. The concept of time is intriguing to start with. Is it akin to a fast flowing river where we are forever carried forward, or perhaps every instant is actually the same moment in time and there is no past or future, just now.

Just like comprehending infinite space, philosophising over the structure of time can do your head in. Better still are the time paradoxes. You go back in time, prevent your parents from meeting, you aren't born, so how could you go back in time, so your parents meet, you are born, you go back in time ...

Favourite time travel book has to be Bob Silverberg's Up The Line, with a wonderful image of the scene of the Cruscifixion becoming ever more crowded with gawping time tourists. Another fun book is The Technicolor Time Machine by Harry Harrison.

Just thinking about the Cruscifixion for a moment, there's a neat short story by Garry Kilworth called Let's Go To Golgotha! Again it concerns time tourism and focuses on the moment when the Roman's offer either Jesus or Barabbas to be spared. The tourists are told that obviously they must shout for Barabbas so as not to change history, but one chap realises that the crowd consists entirely of tourists and they are creating a self fulfilling prophesy.

Ah, the joys and complexities of time travel. On that note, I've run out of time. Perhaps if I just reset this dial, maybe ...

Q: How many time travellers does it take to change ... oh. Do you know, I could have sworn that lightbulb needed changing.

Accountants ...

It's frightening where the weeks go. Another one disappears, January has faded into the mists of time and we're almost halfway through February. However, as it's Sunday I ought to be resting, but I'm still trying to finish of the promotional stuff and the web site for The Jester. I'm hoping to launch it later this week and yet there is still so much to do.

I've created web sites before, but never with the addition of a product to sell. It's no use just publishing the site and hoping customers will flock to it. The Internet doesn't work that way; it's vast and web sites get lost unless they are promoted correctly. Therefore, this Sunday finds me writing articles, creating free Ebooks, and submitting the site to search engines and directories. But it's fun!

I'm sure you'll excuse me if I reach off the shelf for today's changer. I think I've still got one or two left up there. Ah, yes. This will do nicely.

Q: How many Accountants does it take to change light bulb?
A: How many would you like it to take?

Turner Prize Finalists ...

Modern art. There, I promised I'd get to it this week and so I have. Where do I start? In my humble opinion modern art is one of the biggest cons perpetrated on mankind ever. Is that OK for starters.

A pile of bricks, tyres stacked in the shape of a submarine, totally white or totally black canvasses, unmade beds, inanimate objects arranged haphazardly. Please tell me the creative thought that goes into such masterpieces, apart from "How much can I take the art world for today?"

Just my opinion, but to me a work of art should touch you, should affect you. You should also recognise a superb and unique talent in the artist. Splashing paint randomly on canvas does not fit any of those criteria.

You may, or may not, remember a classic Dr Who moment from the Tom Baker years when, in City Of Death, the Tardis materialise in the Louvre and while it's there it is greatly admired by John Cleese and Eleanor Bron as a couple of gallery visitors. When it dematerialises they are even more appreciative of it as an art form. The late Douglas Adams was script editor and writer at the time and besides being a typical Adams' moment, it just highlighted the absurdity of the intellectual pseuds who promote works constructed from animal faeces as art.

Whilst there are those who will promote and pay for this junk then it will prosper. Whilst the so-called artists try ever harder to shock and find column inches in the press, it will prosper. I suppose therefore today's lightbulb virtually writes itself. While it does that I'm off to create a masterpiece from the cats' litter tray.

Q: How many Turner Prize finallists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb remains dead, hanging limply above half a dining table on which lay the remnants of a meal, an ashtray full of stubs, and a nasty yellow stain; the whole encased in a glass tank filled with formaldehyde; a video wall shows small animals being dissected, while two mimes cover themselves in blue paint.

TV News Reporters ...

TV News has certainly changed over the years. Gone are the dinner jacket and the evening frock as the newscasters in BBC clipped English announced, "Good evening. Here is the news." Death, disaster, Royal visits, unseasonal weather, news from the Commonwealth, all delivered in the same matter-of-fact manner. What style, what elan!

Cut to today and suddenly everybody has to read the news standing up. Not sure how this has come about. Is it some new health and safety measure? Cut down the risk of piles, or deep vein thrombosis. The studio has to be high tech, and mostly computer generated, with displays and reports on huge screens. Then there are the TV reporters.

Why do they feel they have to nod their head and wait an eternity before starting their report. You can understand it with a dodgy video phone/satellite link from some obscure part of the world, but not from just down the road. This is the latest quirky habit which crops up from time to time. Another recent one was the use of the word "absolutely" in every other sentence.

But it's not just reporting the news; they have to add drama to the proceedings and if there is the option of shouting their report then they jump at it. If they are at an airport, rather than picking a quiet place to report from they much prefer to be right up a Boeing's exhaust, because it's dramatic, and they're at the centre of the drama.

TV reporters, we salute you.

Q: How many TV news reporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
NATASHA: To answer that let's cross to our reporter Tim Gurning who is embedded with the Royal Marines in Afganistan. Tim.

TIM: (CROUCHING BEHIND A WALL, AMONGST A GROUP OF MARINES, SHOUTING TO BE HEARD ) ( STILL TIME TO PAUSE, NOD THE HEAD ) Natasha, we received intelligence about two hours ago that the house just across the street was a Taliban meeting place, and that there was a dead lightbulb inside. Backed up by attack helicopters, which as you can hear are hovering just above us, these Marines are about to move in.

SHOUTS FROM THE MARINES AND WE'RE ON THE MOVE. UNSTEADY CAMERA AS WE HEAD FOR A DOORWAY.

TIM: And here we go. No-one is quite sure what to expect.

DOORS KICKED DOWN, THE PROPERTY IS EMPTY APART FROM A FEW FRIGHTENED WOMEN AND CHILDREN HUDDLED IN ONE CORNER.

TIM: So it would appear that any Taliban fighters have long since departed. Just these few startled women and children remain. But, we have found the lightbulb.

CLOSE UP OF BARE LIGHTBULB HANGING FROM CEILING.

TIM: We need to ascertain that it is in fact dead, but no-one will touch it until the Royal Engineers get here, just in case it's booby trapped. Back to you, Natasha.

NATASHA: Tim. And you can see more of Tim Gurning's report from Afganistan, including the changing of the lightbulb, in Newsnight tonight.

Hairdressers ...

Struggling today. Sore throat, blocked nose. Hot lemon drinks with honey. Feeling completely drained. I've been fortunate over the past few years in that I've had very few colds, and they normally don't hang around too long. So, I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be back to my bubbly, effervescent self; or what passes for effervescence where I'm concerned.

Today then I've simply reached for a new lightbulb off the shelf. Stuck a pin in the list and this one was the result. Right, job done, nightcap, early to bed, lots of snoring tonight!

Q: How many hairdressers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two; one to change the bulb, the other to say 'Wow, that looks fabulous! I love what you've done with that."

Surrealists ...

I like surreal jokes. Totally daft, and utterly meaningless, but I like them.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Deckchair"

Try telling that one at a party and see how it goes down. You could watch a room full of puzzled people still trying to work it out hours later.
"Sorry, but that joke you told earlier. You know, the one with the chicken and the deckchair. I don't think I've quite got it. Is there a connection between the deckchair and the chicken?"

There might be an opening for a Surrealist Stand Up. Perhaps as a performance piece in the Tate Modern. ( I won't get started on modern art just yet. That's coming up later in the week ) Then again, if you start to think about it, a lot of jokes start of on a pretty surreal footing anyway. Look at what manner of animals and inanimate objects walk into a bar without anyone being the least bit surprised.

As for a lightbulb joke, well you could put anything for the answer, but you still need to be a bit creative to make it amusing.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to stroke the large fish. One to fill the bathtub with clocks.

Survey takers ...

Thankfully I'm not called upon too many times to High Street shop these days. Clothes shopping in particular simply irritates me, and I'd much rather lose myself in a well stocked bookstore. When I do venture out to the city then it is not uncommon to have the added trial of the High Street survey takers.

Always hunting in packs, they present a formidable obstacle. There is a knack to negotiating this human obstacle course, which involves timing, agility and a certain amount of good fortune. Rarely have they all ensnared some poor wretch at the same time, so you need to stay focussed on the ones who are scanning the High Street for likely targets.

If they are immediately in front of your destination store then you will have to be strong, avoid eye contact at all costs and dash past them anxiously looking at your watch as if late for some hugely important meeting. If, on the other hand, your destination is beyond the last one then a combination of brisk walking, veering across the road to casually look at a window then swiftly moving on, and, the key tactic, no eye contact, should see you safely home.

Q: How many survey takers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1. About three times a week.
2. Tesco's, Sainsbury's, or Morrison's.
3. I never vote at elections.

Climatologists ...

So, we're all doomed, the planet's warming up, the seas will rise and swallow the land, and we will be consumed by a plague of locusts, frogs, aardvarks, whatever.

Personally I'm looking forward to the UK enjoying the current climate of the Med. Holidays at home for a start. No more hassle at airports having to take off your shoes and every part of your body scanned, and the delays, the cramped seats, poor airline food, baggage allowance, hoping your bags arrive at the same destination as you ... arrgh!

No I'll happily settle for guaranteed sunny holidays at home, and if the sea reclaims a good portion of east Norfolk we'll probably find ourselves transformed from country market town, to fashionable seaside resort. We won't have to travel anywhere for our holidays at all. Just walk through the town on to the beach. It just gets better.
Global warming? Bring it on!

Q: How many climatologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It’s not just down to us is it; it’s governments, business and us as individuals. Everything about the need for lightbulb change was said at Kyoto. We all have a part to play.

Lager louts ...

Where did that week go. Sunday again, so another chill day. Not so perhaps for thousands of our country's youth, nursing a hangover and recovering from yet another weekend getting slaughtered. Not the most edifying of spectacles to watch young people out on the streets, off their heads, and either violent, semi-comatose or spilling the contents of their evening's consumption on to the pavements. Particularly concerning for parents of young teenage children. You fear for their health and well being if these trends continue. If you are a liver disease specialist in the UK then your job, it seems, is secure for a long, long time to come.

And on that depressing note I give you ...

Q: How many lager louts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll need 14 pints before he can reach.

Story tellers ...

When my daughter was younger my wife and I made it a habit to read to her, and encourage her to look at books, enjoy the stories and begin the reading habit. That early effort clearly paid off because as the years have passed she has enjoyed reading book after book, and that enjoyment spills over into her English lessons when she is required to write her own stories.

At one time we might have thought that books as an entertainment medium were on the decline with the advent of laptops, digital TV, DVD's, and games consoles. Not a bit of it. The likes of J K Rowling, Jaqueline Wilson, Philip Pullman and Anthony Horowitz have helped to fuel a reading desire amongst the young, and the book is very much alive and kicking.

What these writers do have in common with all the great writers is the ability to tell a good story. That's basically the real secret to success; a good story told well. The writing style may vary, the prose may be basic or florid, but at the heart of a good book is the story. Which leads us nicely to our question for today.

Q: How many story tellers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You’ll just have to wait and find out. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. Once upon a time there was a beautiful lightbulb ...

NASA technicians ...

Where were you on 21st July 1969. Rather a philosophical question if you are under 38, but for the rest of us one of those seminal moments in history. While Neil Armstrong was taking that small step for (a) man, I was taking considerably more around the Suffolk countryside.

It was the tradition of my Grammar School that they organise a 50 mile walk near the end of the summer term. Yes, that's right, 50 miles! As a 16 year old sixth former I was eligible to undertake this rite of passage and set off about 8.00 o'clock in the evening from the school car park, aiming to return there sometime the following morning.

So let's just recap on this. Dozens of sixteen and seventeen year olds walking 50 miles along main roads and country lanes late at night. Those were the days. Forget about health and safety, just get out there and do it!

It was about midnight when I and my mate walking with me ( everyone was strung out along several miles by this time ) passed through the village where I lived. I was very tempted to wake my parents and call it a night, but decided to soldier on. I think I eventually had to retire about the 30 mile mark with swollen feet. By the time I was back at home, crashed out on the sofa, re-runs were being shown of the landing. Curiously I also carried my own white life support bag on my back that night. Life support for me meant drink and snacks rather than oxygen, but it was another reason to remember my own giant leap.

Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

Mexicans ...

I had the ending but no beginning for today's post, so it's a bit of a meander.

As a family we've been to Florida on a couple of occasions, and of the Disney parks I still enjoy MGM and Epcot the best. MGM because I love film and television so that will always have a special attraction, but I think Epcot appeals because it doesn't have quite the manic hordes of visitors that the Magic Kingdom has in high season ( both times were late June/July ) and I find it a lot more restful. Particularly walking round the lake and visiting each of the different nations.

On our last visit we actually booked a meal at the Rose and Crown, at the United Kingdom pavillion, which turned out to be the most expensive of our whole holiday! At least they served Woodpecker cider which was a very welcome sight on a very hot day. It is a long way round that lake with not many opportunities to sit down, so it's quite nice to watch a show or hop on a ride.

Norway has the Maelstrom, which is a turbulent boat ride through their Viking past, and Mexico has El Rio Del Tiempo, "The River of Time", which is a far more gentle affair, floating gently around the pavillion, where it's lit for perpetual night.

Thus, by this rather circuitous route, we have drifted to today's bulb changers ...

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just Juan.

Cluedo suspects ...

It's always been an ambition of mine to write a murder mystery novel. Not just any murder mystery, but the most ingenious murder mystery ever ( has to be a locked room ) with the killer only revealed on the last page. I suppose that's the ambition of every writer in the genre, to create a mystery where all the clues were there from the off but the reader is carefully led up the garden path. In magic terms, classic misdirection.

I want the traditional drawing room finale; the suspects gathered together to hear the detective explain who dunnit, how and why. The initial suspicion pointing at one of the suspects ( who has been involved in some minor indescretions and thus can have plenty of evidence stacked against them ) and then the final devastating revelation. The murderer is revealed and the reader is left to slap their forehead and think why they missed all those obvious clues.

Although my great writing ambition may never be realised, I'll still think about it from time to time. It exercises my little grey cells, and, just possibly, I may have a eureka moment that spurs me to create the greatest murder mystery ever.

Meanwhile, back to lightbulbs, and as I have already featured mystery writers I'll resort to the classic board game instead.

Q: How many Cluedo suspects does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Colonel Mustard. In the dining room. With the ladder.

Shop Assistants ...

The few times I have been to the USA, it is always noticeable how courteous and helpful the shop staff are. Yes I know the "Have a nice day" can wear thin after a while but at least they do genuinely seem to enjoy serving you. Americans feel free to disagree, but it is such a contrast to the standard response in the UK, particularly from the younger generation shop crew.

Get at least two together and the conversation is invariably what happened the night before and the audacity of some people to actually want serving or assistace with their purchase. Ask if something's in stock and you're likely to hear, "If it's not on the shelf then we haven't got any", before they return to last night's drinking exploits. Grumpy old man, maybe, but the general standards of service in this country are pretty poor.

Thus today I highlight these extraordinary creatures that populate our shops and stores, whose day would be blissful were it not for the unwarranted intrusion of customers. This also features an unexpected twist on the word 'change'.

Q: How many shop assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Have you got a receipt? 'Cause if you haven't got a receipt I can't change it, and even with a receipt I need to get the supervisor 'cause she's the only one who can do exchanges. If we haven't got a replacement bulb then I'll have to give you a credit note, 'cause we don't do refunds, on account it's not company policy, 'cause you'd be surprised how many people just bring in dud bulbs and say they got them here, 'cause they try it on don't they. Have you got a receipt? No? Supervisor to till four please. Supervisor to till four.

Librarians ...

It’s Sunday, a traditional day of rest, although you never would guess from the amount of traffic on the road and the number of shops and stores open seven days a week.

Today I’m relaxing if no-one else is, and so is my mind. Because of that I’m picking a lightbulb changer off the shelf. I can’t be bothered to be inventive, outrageous, imaginative or clever. I’m sticking a pin in a list and wherever it lands that will be my lightbulb joke today.

Ah, yes. This will do nicely. Only don't make too much noise reading it.

Q: How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

Folk Singers ...

Back in the 70's, when vinyl was the music delivery system of choice, I was well into the folk/rock genre. I still have several LP's by Steeleye Span and Fairport Convention, combining the traditional folk yarn with electronic wizardry. Not everyone's cup of tea I know but it appealed to me.

It often caused much merriment amongst family and friends because the traditional folk singing stereotype is the bearded individual, wearing a chunky knit sweater, pint in one hand and the other hand cupped over their ear. And that's just the women. I remember taking my wife and sister to see Pentangle at the University Of East Anglia. You could tell they were what might be termed a minor attraction because you could actually sit at a table and enjoy the music, rather than bunched up in a a sweaty mass of humanity at a more popular gig. Anyway having got their Basket Of Light album in my collection I was well into it. As for the two philistines with me, suffice it to say they found it highly amusing and I got constant ribbing for weeks afterwards.

I suppose that's the beauty of music. We all have diverse tastes, and long may it remain thus. So please charge your glasses, cup one hand over your ear and join me for a spot of traditional folk.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Just one, but you have to hear the tale first ...

Oh a Frog he did a courtin' go
To call upon Miss Mouse.
But she was a wailin' when
He arrived upon her house.

"Oh kind sir Frog" she cried
"I'm troubled here this night.
For my only bulb has blown,
And I am without the light."

"Fear ye not,Miss Mouse" he said,
And like a soaring rocket
He leaped up upon the nearest chair
To grab the faulty socket.

Alas for Frog the power was on,
Miss Mouse had no time to tell.
Oh the Froggy shone in a shower of sparks
As he bade this world farewell.

Poor Miss Mouse, at first aghast,
Soon overcame her fright.
And served up such a tasty meal
Of frogs legs by candlelight.

Irishmen ...

When it comes to humour, and telling jokes at someone’s expense, most nationalities have another nation or race they like to portray as not too bright; a sandwich short of a picnic. Traditionally the English have put the Irish into that category and the Irish gag has been a staple component of many routines down the years.

The fact is the Irish have a wonderful logic all their own. A peculiar view of the world that in business-speak terms might be described as “thinking outside the box”. Let’s face it, the Irish economy has boomed in recent times as they’ve embraced the European Union wholeheartedly, and all the grants and handouts it can bestow, so they are not as daft as we like to portray them. Indeed, many Irishmen have become captains of industry this side of the Irish sea.

Our lightbulb today has two possible ways of being changed. Both involve a reverse logic approach, with the first also throwing in a drunk, that other Irish stereotype, for good measure.

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to keep drinking until the room starts spinning.

There is an alternative to this second version where one man holds the bulb and any number of others spin the house round. I quite like this more simple appproach, but underlying both versions is that eccentric view of how the world works. When trying to think up solutions to problems it’s not a bad idea to take a lead from the Irish. You never know what you might come up with.

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round.

Psychics ...

I've been watching bits of Colin Fry's show, Sixth Sense, on digital TV and I have to say I'm not convinced at all. I should point out that magic and mentalism are hobbies of mine and I've read textbooks on cold reading techniques that can duplicate what the psychics do, so I approach the subject as a sceptic anyway. It's just the very general guff that comes through from the other side. The fact that the psychic never walks on stage goes to a person in the audience they've never seen before and says, "Hello, Betty. Your Mother sends her love and to tell you her savings bonds are in a box under the floorboards." No, it's, "I'm getting roses around the door. Does that mean anything to anybody."

Hey ho. I always think that as an optimist, generally, when it comes to a rosy afterlife, if there is one, great my optimism rewarded. If it's just eternal nothingness then I'm not going to be disappointed.

Lest we digress too far, another bulb needs changing. Looks like a job for Colin Fry. Even if I have my doubts about him, and others of his ilk, I like the psychic bulb version for the way it turns the joke on its head.

A: One
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb.

Mechanics ...

When it comes down to writing jokes, the lightbulb genre is not unduly difficult, given that there is a standard formula. However, the dilemma facing the writer is do you write lightbulb or light bulb? Looking at dictionaries and encyclopaedias both seem to be acceptable, although I notice the Blogger spell check is underlining lightbulb. Then again it will underline humour because I'm writing in the Queen's English. You say potato, I say potato ... or something like that.

Anyway, to today's offering, which suddenly came to me as I was contemplating my car's annual service and MOT. Sharp stabbing pain in the wallet.

Q: How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: ( Sharp intake of breath ) Difficult to say, mate. That fixture's going to need replacing, the wirings shot, and it’s not your usual type of bulb, I haven’t seen one like that before. Come into the office and I’ll give you an estimate.

Bureaucrats ...

They are an easy target, but this one goes out to all those bumbling administrators, whether in Brussels, Whitehall, or town halls who seem to seem to have the common sense section of their brains removed when they take office. Their deeds are legendary, the money wasted appalling, but there they sit, pen poised, oblivious to the chaos they cause, dreaming up yet more visionary projects. Bureaucrats, we salute you.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.

Mystery writers ...

Jokes, like art or music, are very subjective. One man’s rib tickler is another’s “Huh?”. I think I can normally guage what will get a universal belly laugh and what will hang in the air with just the crickets chirruping in the background, but it is difficult to extract really big reactions from lightbulb jokes. This is mainly because the format is so familiar that the only surprise is what you have to say about the changers themselves.

Today’s offering, however, does have a rather neat ending which makes it stand out. Clever play on the word “twist”.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

To change a lightbulb

In trying to describe the classic Lightbulb Joke I can do no worse than quote Wikipedia:

"The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke."

In essence then we are poking fun at a particular group of people by cheekily enquiring as to how many of them would it take to change one lightbulb. Quite why the lightbulb rose to prominence here is not clear, but real life instances of organisations and corporations handling this seemingly simple task with excess regulation and burocracy perhaps contributed to its supremacy above say other key maintenance tasks, such as unblocking a sink or changing one of those curious scented blocks in men’s urinals.

The subjects of this joke, the lightbulb changers themselves, can make or break it as a funny joke depending how well known their particular traits or foibles are. For example:

Q: How many pot growers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Besides being not particularly funny, it deals with an illicit activity that not everyone is going to be familiar with, and the fact that fluorescent light is closer to daylight when it comes to growing pot indoors ( so I’ve heard ) is neither here nor there because it just falls flat as a joke.

There is another way to extract a laugh here and that is to amend the ending from "change a lightbulb" to "screw in a lightbulb" . Now we can play around with the meaning of screw and bring sex into the equation. Thus we find

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

In forthcoming posts there will be an inordinate number of lightbulbs that will either require changing or screwing in. My challenge is to isolate the amusing ones from the "nah, don’t get it" ones and try to breathe life into this well worn joke format.

Damn! Sorry, I’ll have to continue this at a later date. The light has just gone out.