It's always been an ambition of mine to write a murder mystery novel. Not just any murder mystery, but the most ingenious murder mystery ever ( has to be a locked room ) with the killer only revealed on the last page. I suppose that's the ambition of every writer in the genre, to create a mystery where all the clues were there from the off but the reader is carefully led up the garden path. In magic terms, classic misdirection.
I want the traditional drawing room finale; the suspects gathered together to hear the detective explain who dunnit, how and why. The initial suspicion pointing at one of the suspects ( who has been involved in some minor indescretions and thus can have plenty of evidence stacked against them ) and then the final devastating revelation. The murderer is revealed and the reader is left to slap their forehead and think why they missed all those obvious clues.
Although my great writing ambition may never be realised, I'll still think about it from time to time. It exercises my little grey cells, and, just possibly, I may have a eureka moment that spurs me to create the greatest murder mystery ever.
Meanwhile, back to lightbulbs, and as I have already featured mystery writers I'll resort to the classic board game instead.
Q: How many Cluedo suspects does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Colonel Mustard. In the dining room. With the ladder.
Wednesday 31 January 2007
Sunday 28 January 2007
Shop Assistants ...
The few times I have been to the USA, it is always noticeable how courteous and helpful the shop staff are. Yes I know the "Have a nice day" can wear thin after a while but at least they do genuinely seem to enjoy serving you. Americans feel free to disagree, but it is such a contrast to the standard response in the UK, particularly from the younger generation shop crew.
Get at least two together and the conversation is invariably what happened the night before and the audacity of some people to actually want serving or assistace with their purchase. Ask if something's in stock and you're likely to hear, "If it's not on the shelf then we haven't got any", before they return to last night's drinking exploits. Grumpy old man, maybe, but the general standards of service in this country are pretty poor.
Thus today I highlight these extraordinary creatures that populate our shops and stores, whose day would be blissful were it not for the unwarranted intrusion of customers. This also features an unexpected twist on the word 'change'.
Q: How many shop assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Have you got a receipt? 'Cause if you haven't got a receipt I can't change it, and even with a receipt I need to get the supervisor 'cause she's the only one who can do exchanges. If we haven't got a replacement bulb then I'll have to give you a credit note, 'cause we don't do refunds, on account it's not company policy, 'cause you'd be surprised how many people just bring in dud bulbs and say they got them here, 'cause they try it on don't they. Have you got a receipt? No? Supervisor to till four please. Supervisor to till four.
Get at least two together and the conversation is invariably what happened the night before and the audacity of some people to actually want serving or assistace with their purchase. Ask if something's in stock and you're likely to hear, "If it's not on the shelf then we haven't got any", before they return to last night's drinking exploits. Grumpy old man, maybe, but the general standards of service in this country are pretty poor.
Thus today I highlight these extraordinary creatures that populate our shops and stores, whose day would be blissful were it not for the unwarranted intrusion of customers. This also features an unexpected twist on the word 'change'.
Q: How many shop assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Have you got a receipt? 'Cause if you haven't got a receipt I can't change it, and even with a receipt I need to get the supervisor 'cause she's the only one who can do exchanges. If we haven't got a replacement bulb then I'll have to give you a credit note, 'cause we don't do refunds, on account it's not company policy, 'cause you'd be surprised how many people just bring in dud bulbs and say they got them here, 'cause they try it on don't they. Have you got a receipt? No? Supervisor to till four please. Supervisor to till four.
Librarians ...
It’s Sunday, a traditional day of rest, although you never would guess from the amount of traffic on the road and the number of shops and stores open seven days a week.
Today I’m relaxing if no-one else is, and so is my mind. Because of that I’m picking a lightbulb changer off the shelf. I can’t be bothered to be inventive, outrageous, imaginative or clever. I’m sticking a pin in a list and wherever it lands that will be my lightbulb joke today.
Ah, yes. This will do nicely. Only don't make too much noise reading it.
Q: How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Today I’m relaxing if no-one else is, and so is my mind. Because of that I’m picking a lightbulb changer off the shelf. I can’t be bothered to be inventive, outrageous, imaginative or clever. I’m sticking a pin in a list and wherever it lands that will be my lightbulb joke today.
Ah, yes. This will do nicely. Only don't make too much noise reading it.
Q: How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Saturday 27 January 2007
Folk Singers ...
Back in the 70's, when vinyl was the music delivery system of choice, I was well into the folk/rock genre. I still have several LP's by Steeleye Span and Fairport Convention, combining the traditional folk yarn with electronic wizardry. Not everyone's cup of tea I know but it appealed to me.
It often caused much merriment amongst family and friends because the traditional folk singing stereotype is the bearded individual, wearing a chunky knit sweater, pint in one hand and the other hand cupped over their ear. And that's just the women. I remember taking my wife and sister to see Pentangle at the University Of East Anglia. You could tell they were what might be termed a minor attraction because you could actually sit at a table and enjoy the music, rather than bunched up in a a sweaty mass of humanity at a more popular gig. Anyway having got their Basket Of Light album in my collection I was well into it. As for the two philistines with me, suffice it to say they found it highly amusing and I got constant ribbing for weeks afterwards.
I suppose that's the beauty of music. We all have diverse tastes, and long may it remain thus. So please charge your glasses, cup one hand over your ear and join me for a spot of traditional folk.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Just one, but you have to hear the tale first ...
Oh a Frog he did a courtin' go
To call upon Miss Mouse.
But she was a wailin' when
He arrived upon her house.
"Oh kind sir Frog" she cried
"I'm troubled here this night.
For my only bulb has blown,
And I am without the light."
"Fear ye not,Miss Mouse" he said,
And like a soaring rocket
He leaped up upon the nearest chair
To grab the faulty socket.
Alas for Frog the power was on,
Miss Mouse had no time to tell.
Oh the Froggy shone in a shower of sparks
As he bade this world farewell.
Poor Miss Mouse, at first aghast,
Soon overcame her fright.
And served up such a tasty meal
Of frogs legs by candlelight.
It often caused much merriment amongst family and friends because the traditional folk singing stereotype is the bearded individual, wearing a chunky knit sweater, pint in one hand and the other hand cupped over their ear. And that's just the women. I remember taking my wife and sister to see Pentangle at the University Of East Anglia. You could tell they were what might be termed a minor attraction because you could actually sit at a table and enjoy the music, rather than bunched up in a a sweaty mass of humanity at a more popular gig. Anyway having got their Basket Of Light album in my collection I was well into it. As for the two philistines with me, suffice it to say they found it highly amusing and I got constant ribbing for weeks afterwards.
I suppose that's the beauty of music. We all have diverse tastes, and long may it remain thus. So please charge your glasses, cup one hand over your ear and join me for a spot of traditional folk.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Just one, but you have to hear the tale first ...
Oh a Frog he did a courtin' go
To call upon Miss Mouse.
But she was a wailin' when
He arrived upon her house.
"Oh kind sir Frog" she cried
"I'm troubled here this night.
For my only bulb has blown,
And I am without the light."
"Fear ye not,Miss Mouse" he said,
And like a soaring rocket
He leaped up upon the nearest chair
To grab the faulty socket.
Alas for Frog the power was on,
Miss Mouse had no time to tell.
Oh the Froggy shone in a shower of sparks
As he bade this world farewell.
Poor Miss Mouse, at first aghast,
Soon overcame her fright.
And served up such a tasty meal
Of frogs legs by candlelight.
Friday 26 January 2007
Irishmen ...
When it comes to humour, and telling jokes at someone’s expense, most nationalities have another nation or race they like to portray as not too bright; a sandwich short of a picnic. Traditionally the English have put the Irish into that category and the Irish gag has been a staple component of many routines down the years.
The fact is the Irish have a wonderful logic all their own. A peculiar view of the world that in business-speak terms might be described as “thinking outside the box”. Let’s face it, the Irish economy has boomed in recent times as they’ve embraced the European Union wholeheartedly, and all the grants and handouts it can bestow, so they are not as daft as we like to portray them. Indeed, many Irishmen have become captains of industry this side of the Irish sea.
Our lightbulb today has two possible ways of being changed. Both involve a reverse logic approach, with the first also throwing in a drunk, that other Irish stereotype, for good measure.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to keep drinking until the room starts spinning.
There is an alternative to this second version where one man holds the bulb and any number of others spin the house round. I quite like this more simple appproach, but underlying both versions is that eccentric view of how the world works. When trying to think up solutions to problems it’s not a bad idea to take a lead from the Irish. You never know what you might come up with.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round.
The fact is the Irish have a wonderful logic all their own. A peculiar view of the world that in business-speak terms might be described as “thinking outside the box”. Let’s face it, the Irish economy has boomed in recent times as they’ve embraced the European Union wholeheartedly, and all the grants and handouts it can bestow, so they are not as daft as we like to portray them. Indeed, many Irishmen have become captains of industry this side of the Irish sea.
Our lightbulb today has two possible ways of being changed. Both involve a reverse logic approach, with the first also throwing in a drunk, that other Irish stereotype, for good measure.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to keep drinking until the room starts spinning.
There is an alternative to this second version where one man holds the bulb and any number of others spin the house round. I quite like this more simple appproach, but underlying both versions is that eccentric view of how the world works. When trying to think up solutions to problems it’s not a bad idea to take a lead from the Irish. You never know what you might come up with.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round.
Thursday 25 January 2007
Psychics ...
I've been watching bits of Colin Fry's show, Sixth Sense, on digital TV and I have to say I'm not convinced at all. I should point out that magic and mentalism are hobbies of mine and I've read textbooks on cold reading techniques that can duplicate what the psychics do, so I approach the subject as a sceptic anyway. It's just the very general guff that comes through from the other side. The fact that the psychic never walks on stage goes to a person in the audience they've never seen before and says, "Hello, Betty. Your Mother sends her love and to tell you her savings bonds are in a box under the floorboards." No, it's, "I'm getting roses around the door. Does that mean anything to anybody."
Hey ho. I always think that as an optimist, generally, when it comes to a rosy afterlife, if there is one, great my optimism rewarded. If it's just eternal nothingness then I'm not going to be disappointed.
Lest we digress too far, another bulb needs changing. Looks like a job for Colin Fry. Even if I have my doubts about him, and others of his ilk, I like the psychic bulb version for the way it turns the joke on its head.
A: One
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb.
Hey ho. I always think that as an optimist, generally, when it comes to a rosy afterlife, if there is one, great my optimism rewarded. If it's just eternal nothingness then I'm not going to be disappointed.
Lest we digress too far, another bulb needs changing. Looks like a job for Colin Fry. Even if I have my doubts about him, and others of his ilk, I like the psychic bulb version for the way it turns the joke on its head.
A: One
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb.
Wednesday 24 January 2007
Mechanics ...
When it comes down to writing jokes, the lightbulb genre is not unduly difficult, given that there is a standard formula. However, the dilemma facing the writer is do you write lightbulb or light bulb? Looking at dictionaries and encyclopaedias both seem to be acceptable, although I notice the Blogger spell check is underlining lightbulb. Then again it will underline humour because I'm writing in the Queen's English. You say potato, I say potato ... or something like that.
Anyway, to today's offering, which suddenly came to me as I was contemplating my car's annual service and MOT. Sharp stabbing pain in the wallet.
Q: How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: ( Sharp intake of breath ) Difficult to say, mate. That fixture's going to need replacing, the wirings shot, and it’s not your usual type of bulb, I haven’t seen one like that before. Come into the office and I’ll give you an estimate.
Anyway, to today's offering, which suddenly came to me as I was contemplating my car's annual service and MOT. Sharp stabbing pain in the wallet.
Q: How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: ( Sharp intake of breath ) Difficult to say, mate. That fixture's going to need replacing, the wirings shot, and it’s not your usual type of bulb, I haven’t seen one like that before. Come into the office and I’ll give you an estimate.
Tuesday 23 January 2007
Bureaucrats ...
They are an easy target, but this one goes out to all those bumbling administrators, whether in Brussels, Whitehall, or town halls who seem to seem to have the common sense section of their brains removed when they take office. Their deeds are legendary, the money wasted appalling, but there they sit, pen poised, oblivious to the chaos they cause, dreaming up yet more visionary projects. Bureaucrats, we salute you.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Monday 22 January 2007
Mystery writers ...
Jokes, like art or music, are very subjective. One man’s rib tickler is another’s “Huh?”. I think I can normally guage what will get a universal belly laugh and what will hang in the air with just the crickets chirruping in the background, but it is difficult to extract really big reactions from lightbulb jokes. This is mainly because the format is so familiar that the only surprise is what you have to say about the changers themselves.
Today’s offering, however, does have a rather neat ending which makes it stand out. Clever play on the word “twist”.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Today’s offering, however, does have a rather neat ending which makes it stand out. Clever play on the word “twist”.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Friday 19 January 2007
To change a lightbulb
In trying to describe the classic Lightbulb Joke I can do no worse than quote Wikipedia:
"The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke."
In essence then we are poking fun at a particular group of people by cheekily enquiring as to how many of them would it take to change one lightbulb. Quite why the lightbulb rose to prominence here is not clear, but real life instances of organisations and corporations handling this seemingly simple task with excess regulation and burocracy perhaps contributed to its supremacy above say other key maintenance tasks, such as unblocking a sink or changing one of those curious scented blocks in men’s urinals.
The subjects of this joke, the lightbulb changers themselves, can make or break it as a funny joke depending how well known their particular traits or foibles are. For example:
Q: How many pot growers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Besides being not particularly funny, it deals with an illicit activity that not everyone is going to be familiar with, and the fact that fluorescent light is closer to daylight when it comes to growing pot indoors ( so I’ve heard ) is neither here nor there because it just falls flat as a joke.
There is another way to extract a laugh here and that is to amend the ending from "change a lightbulb" to "screw in a lightbulb" . Now we can play around with the meaning of screw and bring sex into the equation. Thus we find
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
In forthcoming posts there will be an inordinate number of lightbulbs that will either require changing or screwing in. My challenge is to isolate the amusing ones from the "nah, don’t get it" ones and try to breathe life into this well worn joke format.
Damn! Sorry, I’ll have to continue this at a later date. The light has just gone out.
"The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke."
In essence then we are poking fun at a particular group of people by cheekily enquiring as to how many of them would it take to change one lightbulb. Quite why the lightbulb rose to prominence here is not clear, but real life instances of organisations and corporations handling this seemingly simple task with excess regulation and burocracy perhaps contributed to its supremacy above say other key maintenance tasks, such as unblocking a sink or changing one of those curious scented blocks in men’s urinals.
The subjects of this joke, the lightbulb changers themselves, can make or break it as a funny joke depending how well known their particular traits or foibles are. For example:
Q: How many pot growers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Besides being not particularly funny, it deals with an illicit activity that not everyone is going to be familiar with, and the fact that fluorescent light is closer to daylight when it comes to growing pot indoors ( so I’ve heard ) is neither here nor there because it just falls flat as a joke.
There is another way to extract a laugh here and that is to amend the ending from "change a lightbulb" to "screw in a lightbulb" . Now we can play around with the meaning of screw and bring sex into the equation. Thus we find
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
In forthcoming posts there will be an inordinate number of lightbulbs that will either require changing or screwing in. My challenge is to isolate the amusing ones from the "nah, don’t get it" ones and try to breathe life into this well worn joke format.
Damn! Sorry, I’ll have to continue this at a later date. The light has just gone out.
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