Turner Prize Finalists ...

Modern art. There, I promised I'd get to it this week and so I have. Where do I start? In my humble opinion modern art is one of the biggest cons perpetrated on mankind ever. Is that OK for starters.

A pile of bricks, tyres stacked in the shape of a submarine, totally white or totally black canvasses, unmade beds, inanimate objects arranged haphazardly. Please tell me the creative thought that goes into such masterpieces, apart from "How much can I take the art world for today?"

Just my opinion, but to me a work of art should touch you, should affect you. You should also recognise a superb and unique talent in the artist. Splashing paint randomly on canvas does not fit any of those criteria.

You may, or may not, remember a classic Dr Who moment from the Tom Baker years when, in City Of Death, the Tardis materialise in the Louvre and while it's there it is greatly admired by John Cleese and Eleanor Bron as a couple of gallery visitors. When it dematerialises they are even more appreciative of it as an art form. The late Douglas Adams was script editor and writer at the time and besides being a typical Adams' moment, it just highlighted the absurdity of the intellectual pseuds who promote works constructed from animal faeces as art.

Whilst there are those who will promote and pay for this junk then it will prosper. Whilst the so-called artists try ever harder to shock and find column inches in the press, it will prosper. I suppose therefore today's lightbulb virtually writes itself. While it does that I'm off to create a masterpiece from the cats' litter tray.

Q: How many Turner Prize finallists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb remains dead, hanging limply above half a dining table on which lay the remnants of a meal, an ashtray full of stubs, and a nasty yellow stain; the whole encased in a glass tank filled with formaldehyde; a video wall shows small animals being dissected, while two mimes cover themselves in blue paint.