Star Trek security personnel ...

The first series of Star Trek obviously looks dated now when we consider the CGI effects available to today's program makers, but at the time it was ground breaking in many respects, and as a big SF fan I lapped it up. It's been parodied many times by professionals and by fans, and certainly the disposable nature of the security personnel has been pointed up more than once.

If you've ever seen the brilliant film spoof Galaxy Quest then you'll know where I'm coming from. These poor souls would beam down to the planet's surface and you just knew they'd be the first in the firing line. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scottie were always going to survive, so if someone had to be killed by this week's threat then it would be the guy in the red shirt. In fact Wikipedia has this to say about red shirts:

"A redshirt is a stock character, used frequently in science fiction but also in other genres, whose sole purpose is to die violently soon after being introduced. Redshirts are a plot device used to indicate the dangerous circumstances faced by the main characters at the start of a narrative without having to kill any of the vital main characters. The term comes from the popular American science fiction television series Star Trek, in which security officers wore red shirts, and were often killed on missions under the aforementioned circumstances."

It follows that if you wear the aforementioned red shirt, changing a lightbulb will not be a simple affair.

Q: How many Star Trek security personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3 All of whom will perish in various unpleasant ways ( creature in the darkness, electrical entity in the light socket, the bulb is a shape shifting assassin ) before Kirk, with Spock's assistance, is able to change the bulb without violating the Prime Directive.

Family Fortunes contestants ...

Forget working for a living. Just devise a brilliant TV game show formula and retire. Certainly worked for the couple who thought up The Weakest Link. They receive a pretty tidy sum every time an episode is broadcast, and it doesn't show signs of ending yet.

The race is always on to find something to match the success of Weakest Link and Millionaire, but if there are no new ideas in the pipeline then fall back on the old ones, like The Price Is Right. I suppose we all have our favourites, past and present. My earliest recollections are Take Your Pick and Double Your Money. Also Criss Cross Quiz based on noughts and crosses. Then Sunday afternoons became the home for shows like The Golden Shot and Bullseye.

And that's why it's hard devising a new show, because so much has already been tried. Every permutation of asking general knowledge questions under pressure, performing an activity ( ah, the legend that is Bruce Forsyth and The Generation Game ), games for individuals, for teams, or for families. Speaking of which ...

Q: How many Family Fortunes contestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. You say 5. Our survey said, "Ugh Ugh!" No, it's not there, three lives gone and the Diddicoy family have a chance to steal.

Gardeners ...

A warmer winter and lots of rainfall has combined to bestow our front lawn and back lawn with meadow like status. The grass is tall, the weeds are flourishing, and David Attenborough would not look out of place in our garden tracking down wildlife. I was hoping for a break in the damp weather to wheel out our rather dilapadated petrol mower for it's first outing of the year, but it wasn't to be.

Lawns are about the only aspect of gardening that I can cope with reasonably well. Weeding, cutting, digging, planting ... forget it! I find it completely soul destroying, and so mind numbingly boring! Faced with an eternity of gardening, or being stung by a billion rampant wasps, then our little stingy friends would win hands down. Then again, a lot of gardeners probably see a day spent hunched over a computer as a wasted life. I often think that if no-one ever reads what I commit to the screen, they could well be right.

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but strictly speaking this is the wrong time of year to be transplanting bulbs.

ADD Sufferers ...

Please don't tell me it's Sunday again. What is it about getting older that also compacts time. Writing a daily blog doesn't help in that respect, because you seem to tick off the days very quickly. I suppose most people find that with any daily routine, like a job that involves the same procedures each day. If you are fortunate in having a lot of variety in your life I'm sure that does slow time in your own mind.

Last week I was postponing The Jester launch for another week. So today, at around 9:00 pm GMT, I'm going to go for it. It's a bit like setting up a stall in the middle of the countryside. If no-one knows you are there, you won't sell anything, so a lot of effort now has to go into promoting The Jester to drive up interest and make some sales. I'll devote next Sunday's entry to an update.

Back to today and it's Sunday, so I stick a pin in my list and voila!

Q: How many ADD sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh look a blue car!

Sudoku solvers ...

I'm hooked. I love maths and working with numbers, and I love puzzle solving. Sudoku presses my buttons every time. I try not to start one if I've a busy day planned because I know I will just have to finish it. If it's a particularly hard puzzle, then I might be tied up for some time.

Sudoku puzzles are excellent brain food and one way of exciting those little grey cells that so often get fed a diet of wallpaper TV and tedium in a non too stimulating job. A puzzle a day can help keep the Alzheimers away. There are a number of strategies for tackling these puzzles, although I've never studied them in any great depth. I just know I have one or two methods I use, particularly for the very tough ones, and I usually solve them.

I've just seen the ad for a 3D version. That I will stay away from. This blog might never see another post. Er, was that a cheer?

Q: How many Sudoku solvers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: ( in the grey square )

Golfers ...

I used to play golf. My clubs and bag sit forlornly at the back of the garage, having not been taken out in anger for over thirty years. I enjoyed the sport. I didn't always hit the ball well, and never bothered with handicaps or competitions but I had fun.

The club I belonged to was Southwold, on the Suffolk coast. 9 holes that you played twice and with a variety of hazards to trip you up. Plenty of bushes and hedges, one mini quarry that usually meant lost ball if you were wayward. The interesting thing with Southwold was the public had free access, so you'd just be teeing off but as well as taking into account the distance, club selection, and wind direction, you also had to keep a wary eye out for people out walking dogs, riders on horseback and cyclists.

I remember the finest drive I ever hit on the long second hole. It was a screamer. Started out right and began to curl back in again, just as I intended. Midway through this arc two elderly ladies popped out from behind the bushes where they had been picking blackberries. The timing was just incredible. The ball missed them by a couple of feet. Words were exchanged, but that was all part of the mix on that course.

The opportunity to mix golfers and lightbulbs offers one or two possibilities. I've settled on this one; you will, no doubt, be able to conjure up more.

Q: How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four!!

City brokers ...

If you think some celebrities and sports people are overpaid, the bonuses paid to some City bankers and brokers are equally obscene. They would argue that they are dealing in billions, the job is stressful, there is an early age burn out, and that the bonuses are only just reward for the huge profits they generate for their respective companies. However, it just sticks in the craw of regular working folk struggling to keep up with the mortgage payments.

It's not dissimilar to Camelot talking about a worldwide lottery with a huge multi-millon jackpot. No! No! No! That's just plain stupid. I do the lottery and usually tear up my ticket with two or less numbers up, and yes I would like to win a million and I'd be extremely happy with that. If they have a much bigger jackpot then it should be spread more rather than giving it to one person. I know I'm not alone in thinking this and if Camelot want to retain their right to print money when the lottery franchise comes up for grabs agaion, then they would do well to heed it, rather than talking up ridiculously high jackpots.

However, there is no 'fairness' in City bonuses, lotteries, and football wages. If anything these excesses seem to climb ever higher. Witness the Beckham LA move.
Funny old world. They just can't stop laughing about it in Darfur.

Q: How many City brokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 37.83 That's 2.49 less than yesterday's closing figure.

Chinese ...

I visited Hong Kong in the mid-80's and was fascinated by the place. From the moment you fly in, seemingly squeezing in between skyscrapers, to the transit system to the sheer hustle and bustle. In fact the pace was so hectic that midway through the one week stay I took a day out and went to Lantau Island and chilled out on the beach. Yes, there are beaches.

This was a time before the British handover, so you could take a trip up to the Chinese border and see the Chinese army on the other side of the checkpoint. Amazingly for such a small place there was a huge amount to see. Taking the funicular railway up to the top of Victoria Peak, and looking out across Hong Kong, was a highlight, as was riding the trams, taking the Star Ferry and using the very efficient underground system.

Not so good was a rather dodgy Dim Sum at the Star Ferry terminal. I struggled to find anything on my plate that I could comfortably eat. The Aberdeen floating restaurant was another disappointment. I somehow expected better food than was actually served up. Overall though the place was just vibrant and amazing. One of the world's must see's.

For today's journey from darkness into light, I could have gone with:

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Dozens, because Confucious say, "Many hands make light work."

However, I do try an be original here, so my contribution for today is:

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because the man they sent was Tu Lo.

Roadies ..

I've just discovered Accutunes and I always head for the Classic Rock section. Usually I'll end up listening to British rock out of the 60's and 70's because that's my era. I remember the heyday of the pirate radio stations like Radio Caroline and Radio London, and how they turned music radio upside down. I had an Elizabethan reel-to-reel tape recorder ( no the Tudors didn't invent it ) and I would place the microphone next to the speaker to record direct from the radio.

I didn't listen to all my music for free. I built up a large collection of LP's and they are still with me today. They do occasionally get an airing and amazingly play just fine. Music evokes memories, and the music of that time takes me back to school and college. It also reminds me of concerts I attended when rock groups put on a show. Pink Floyd at Wembley ( the stadium ) with that flying pig, and again at Earl's Court when they launched Dark Side Of The Moon with a rocket blasting overhead. I remember Emmerson Lake and Palmer ( never knowingly understated ), The Who and The Stones, and some great Knebworth gigs that always ran late and ended in the early hours.

Oh to have been on tour with those guys. Travelling round the country with umpteen trucks crammed with mega-tons of equipment, and large shed size speakers that could deafen you at four hundred yards. Rock and roll, guys. Rock and roll.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two! One, two! Testing! One, two! Two, two!

Celebrities ...

I have a problem with celebrity. To be more accurate I have a problem with a society obsessed with celebrity. Movie stars, TV stars and sports stars. The weekly magazines are full of them, their eating habits, their dress sense, their unguarded moments. Please! Who cares?

What's even more amazing is people who are now famous ( celebrity ) for being famous. Jade Goody has obviously imploded, in what must be the greatest example of TV irony ever, yet she made a million by appearing in a TV reality show. This is the example that kids want to follow. They want to be on TV, be famous and have their fifteen minutes. Witness the rush to "Media Studies".

We have our sense of worth totally skewed by some of the extraordinary money that some celebrities rake in each year. They are just doing a job like every other working person. They are no better or no worse and neither are their opinions, and yet we worship at their altar; hang on every word; bestow them with free gifts for their endorsement;they are our heroes.

Wrong! If you want real heroes look for those people caring for disabled relatives 24 hours a day; NHS staff struggling to look after us with all the paperwork and pressure; teachers trying to educate when kids have no respect. Any chance they'll make the front of Hello or OK magazine? I think not.

Q: How many celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12 on the C list. One is voted off each week after combining the scores of the judging panel and the viewer phone vote, following a series of wacky challenges, until only one remains to be crowned King or Queen of the Socket, change the lightbulb and claim the money for charity, because that's what it's all about really, not the chance to boost a flagging career or the twenty-five grand appearance money.

Mountaineers ...

Today I had every intention of launching The Jester upon an unsuspecting world. It wasn't going to be anything spectacular. Just me uploading some pages to the web site, setting a price, and sitting back with a cup of tea and a digestive.

As I'm rapidly discovering in this extraordinary world of internet marketing, things don't always go to plan. I'm struggling with web scripts and I still haven't finally set up all my email forms and responses. I feel about as far away from launching as I did a month ago.

However, all is not lost. Another few days and it will be ready. Then it's just the simple matter of letting the internet world know it's there, and therein lies another slice of hard graft. It's tough, it's fun, it's extraordinary, it's rewarding, all in equal measure.

So, where to find our lightbulb changer(s) today. Ah, yes, this will do nicely.

Q: How many mountaineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. Two to wait at base camp while the other two climb the ladder with one eventually reaching the summit to remove the bulb and replace it with a flag.

TV Cops ...

When I was a lad ( ah, steady, I'm sounding older than I really am ) I remember black and white TV and the main diet was cop shows and westerns. Remember "Dixon Of Dock Green"? George Dixon must have been the oldest serving policeman in the world, ever! "Evening all." How quaint and naive it all seems now. Don't know quite what George might have made of CIS. He might have stood there under his blue lamp and said, "You know, they make a lot about foensic work in the force today, but sometimes solving crime comes down to plain old copper's instict. Take the other week ..."

Dan-de-dan-dan. Dan-de-dan-dan-daaaan! Ah yes, Sgt. Joe "I carry a badge" Friday. Loved "Dragnet". "Highway Patrol" and "77 Sunset Strip". Other notable British products, "No Hiding Place", police cars with bells for sirens, which was regular Friday night viewing, and of course, Z Cars with that immortal theme.

Today we have a contrast, from the soap "The Bill", to the stylised, quaintness that is "Midsomer Murders", to the cerebral "Morse" and the spin off "Lewis", the gritty reality of "Taggart" and "Prime Suspect". Crossing the pond it's very slick, led, in my opinion, by the "CIS" franchise.

However, over the years the principal idea behind these programmes hasn't changed too much. You have around 45 minutes to two hours to solve a crime, or series of crimes. "The Bill" because of it's weekly nature can handle stories much differently, but for the rest of them the formula is set. In George Dixon's day the criminal would have his collar felt and go quietly; "OK, it's a fair cop." Today, we might need an OK corral shoot out to sort matters, but we know that by the time the credits roll there will be resolution. I bet cops in the real world wish it were always so.

Q: How many TV cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
One to say, "OK, what have we got?"
One to reply, "Lightbulb in the office. Might have been dead for a few hours. We'll know more when we get the electrician's report."
One to enquire, "Anyone see anything?"
One to answer, "The cleaner finished up about eight last night and says it was alright then. Secretary was in early this morning, found the bulb smashed on the floor. She's pretty shook up."
One clever one to notice, "Does something strike you odd about this? Take the spread of the glass on the carpet ... "

Critics ...

The arts, literature, food, music, TV, theatre. For every subjective human entertainment and diversion there are Critics. In fact of course we are all critics, exchanging views on something we have seen or read, but we don't get paid to criticise. I have never quite understood the role of the professional critic. Perhaps there's a certain amount of envy behind that, rather fancying the idea of getting paid to watch films or eat at fine restaurants.

Ultimately it is still one person's view. It is just incredible how much power some of them command. The Broadway critics can close a show; get a slating from a top gourmet reviewer and watch your customers drift away. Yet, and I return to this point, it is still only one person's opinion. How do we know their criticism is balanced and fair? Is there a hidden animosity towards a particular actor, or writer or restaurant owner?

As adults we are perfectly capable of making up our own minds. We know who we like to watch, or read, or see perform, or listen to. We should be quite capable of deciding for ourselves if a brand new venture is worth spending our time and money on, and yet we read the reviews and let someone else decide for us. Yes, my hand is in the air; I'm just as guilty.

Let's be honest, if there were no critics, the public would still decide for themselves. Word of mouth is a powerful product endorsement, and equally can kill off a dud. As business knows all too well, the customer is king; the Critics mere pretenders.

Q: How many critics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One finds oneself lamenting the loss of such a vibrant fixture. It was not without fault, but one could forgive it’s occasional dullness and lack of spark, because ultimately it illuminated us as people, shining light into our very being. Now it’s gone, and I find it’s replacement both brash and full of its own brilliance. One hopes that in time it will calm down and achieve the dignified presence of its predecessor. This reviewer for one remains unconvinced.

Lords and Ladies ...

The landed gentry. What an extraordinary bunch they are. Inheritors of wealth and privilege down the centuries, large piles in the country, educated at the best public schools and finished off at Oxford or Cambridge. With few exceptions you do wonder what they actually contribute to the nation.

Titles such as Lord, Earl, Duke and Baronet. Somewhat anachronistic in the 21st century. At least we've moved away from doffing our caps to them, but some just seem to feel the world owes them a living. We've also moved away from installing them automatically in our second level of Government. The Lords may be rich in tradition and costume, but to automatically assume that someone is capable of reviewing Government legislation just because of a title they inherited was not a sensible approach. Spot the elderly old duffer falling asleep during a debate in the Upper House.

Well, they're not going to disappear anytime soon, so we'll keep popping in every now and then when they throw their estates and homes open to the public, and we'll keep chronicling their wealth and excentricities, and we'll certainly poke fun at such easy targets.

Q: How many Lords and Ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. One has a butler for these matters. Remmington? I understand from Cook that a lightbulb has gawn in the drawing room. Could you organise an electrical fellow to change it. Oh, and not that ghastly chap we had before. Simply no manners at all.

Members of Mensa ...

I've undertaken various tests and exams in my working life, but never one to determine my IQ. Not that I've been particularly bothered. I think I would probably end up with a fair score, but whether it would be high enough to join Mensa is debateable.

I feel it is such a difficult thing to quantify. If you are going to measure anything then it ought to take into account not only your recall of facts and figures and your cognative skills, but also common sense. So many so called academics have the most brilliant mind in their particular field, yet give them an every day, simple task to do and they're lost.

This doesn't just apply to those who teach. We encourage learning and progression to university, and then we fast track these people into key jobs because they have the knowledge. Although this is undoubtedly true, many professionals will tell you that these students are full of theory, and quite often full of themselves, yet useless at grasping common work practices, or handling pressure in the real world.

Knowledge, IQ, degrees. Fine, but let's not forget the school of life.

Q: How many members of Mensa does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.

Microsoft employees ...

What an amazingly simple idea. At a time when most effort in the computer industry was being focussed on the hardware, one man had the nounce to think operating systems. History is made, as are many multi-million dollar fortunes. Love him or hate him, Bill Gates was in the right place at the right time and made the right decisions.

Fast forward over a quarter of a century and we have Windows Vista. Very impressive to look at, although Mac users will probably say they've been ahead in the user interface stakes for years now, but already I notice concerns and gripes about cost, memory required to run it, security, and terms and conditions.

Microsoft's track record on new software releases is not brilliant. Usually worth waiting a year for the initial bugs to be ironed out before plunging in. I think most PC users would just be happy if it was lock tight on security. No more emergency patches to plug gaping holes. Over ten billion spent on the thing, a completely captive audience, can we at least expect it's quick to load, handles crashes quickly and effectively, and doesn't allow malicious individuals the ability to drop viral packets on it. I for one will wait and see.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Microsoft declares darkness the industry standard.

Time travellers ...

Science fiction was always a genre that appealed to me and for some reason time travel stories really got me hooked. The concept of time is intriguing to start with. Is it akin to a fast flowing river where we are forever carried forward, or perhaps every instant is actually the same moment in time and there is no past or future, just now.

Just like comprehending infinite space, philosophising over the structure of time can do your head in. Better still are the time paradoxes. You go back in time, prevent your parents from meeting, you aren't born, so how could you go back in time, so your parents meet, you are born, you go back in time ...

Favourite time travel book has to be Bob Silverberg's Up The Line, with a wonderful image of the scene of the Cruscifixion becoming ever more crowded with gawping time tourists. Another fun book is The Technicolor Time Machine by Harry Harrison.

Just thinking about the Cruscifixion for a moment, there's a neat short story by Garry Kilworth called Let's Go To Golgotha! Again it concerns time tourism and focuses on the moment when the Roman's offer either Jesus or Barabbas to be spared. The tourists are told that obviously they must shout for Barabbas so as not to change history, but one chap realises that the crowd consists entirely of tourists and they are creating a self fulfilling prophesy.

Ah, the joys and complexities of time travel. On that note, I've run out of time. Perhaps if I just reset this dial, maybe ...

Q: How many time travellers does it take to change ... oh. Do you know, I could have sworn that lightbulb needed changing.

Accountants ...

It's frightening where the weeks go. Another one disappears, January has faded into the mists of time and we're almost halfway through February. However, as it's Sunday I ought to be resting, but I'm still trying to finish of the promotional stuff and the web site for The Jester. I'm hoping to launch it later this week and yet there is still so much to do.

I've created web sites before, but never with the addition of a product to sell. It's no use just publishing the site and hoping customers will flock to it. The Internet doesn't work that way; it's vast and web sites get lost unless they are promoted correctly. Therefore, this Sunday finds me writing articles, creating free Ebooks, and submitting the site to search engines and directories. But it's fun!

I'm sure you'll excuse me if I reach off the shelf for today's changer. I think I've still got one or two left up there. Ah, yes. This will do nicely.

Q: How many Accountants does it take to change light bulb?
A: How many would you like it to take?

Turner Prize Finalists ...

Modern art. There, I promised I'd get to it this week and so I have. Where do I start? In my humble opinion modern art is one of the biggest cons perpetrated on mankind ever. Is that OK for starters.

A pile of bricks, tyres stacked in the shape of a submarine, totally white or totally black canvasses, unmade beds, inanimate objects arranged haphazardly. Please tell me the creative thought that goes into such masterpieces, apart from "How much can I take the art world for today?"

Just my opinion, but to me a work of art should touch you, should affect you. You should also recognise a superb and unique talent in the artist. Splashing paint randomly on canvas does not fit any of those criteria.

You may, or may not, remember a classic Dr Who moment from the Tom Baker years when, in City Of Death, the Tardis materialise in the Louvre and while it's there it is greatly admired by John Cleese and Eleanor Bron as a couple of gallery visitors. When it dematerialises they are even more appreciative of it as an art form. The late Douglas Adams was script editor and writer at the time and besides being a typical Adams' moment, it just highlighted the absurdity of the intellectual pseuds who promote works constructed from animal faeces as art.

Whilst there are those who will promote and pay for this junk then it will prosper. Whilst the so-called artists try ever harder to shock and find column inches in the press, it will prosper. I suppose therefore today's lightbulb virtually writes itself. While it does that I'm off to create a masterpiece from the cats' litter tray.

Q: How many Turner Prize finallists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb remains dead, hanging limply above half a dining table on which lay the remnants of a meal, an ashtray full of stubs, and a nasty yellow stain; the whole encased in a glass tank filled with formaldehyde; a video wall shows small animals being dissected, while two mimes cover themselves in blue paint.

TV News Reporters ...

TV News has certainly changed over the years. Gone are the dinner jacket and the evening frock as the newscasters in BBC clipped English announced, "Good evening. Here is the news." Death, disaster, Royal visits, unseasonal weather, news from the Commonwealth, all delivered in the same matter-of-fact manner. What style, what elan!

Cut to today and suddenly everybody has to read the news standing up. Not sure how this has come about. Is it some new health and safety measure? Cut down the risk of piles, or deep vein thrombosis. The studio has to be high tech, and mostly computer generated, with displays and reports on huge screens. Then there are the TV reporters.

Why do they feel they have to nod their head and wait an eternity before starting their report. You can understand it with a dodgy video phone/satellite link from some obscure part of the world, but not from just down the road. This is the latest quirky habit which crops up from time to time. Another recent one was the use of the word "absolutely" in every other sentence.

But it's not just reporting the news; they have to add drama to the proceedings and if there is the option of shouting their report then they jump at it. If they are at an airport, rather than picking a quiet place to report from they much prefer to be right up a Boeing's exhaust, because it's dramatic, and they're at the centre of the drama.

TV reporters, we salute you.

Q: How many TV news reporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
NATASHA: To answer that let's cross to our reporter Tim Gurning who is embedded with the Royal Marines in Afganistan. Tim.

TIM: (CROUCHING BEHIND A WALL, AMONGST A GROUP OF MARINES, SHOUTING TO BE HEARD ) ( STILL TIME TO PAUSE, NOD THE HEAD ) Natasha, we received intelligence about two hours ago that the house just across the street was a Taliban meeting place, and that there was a dead lightbulb inside. Backed up by attack helicopters, which as you can hear are hovering just above us, these Marines are about to move in.

SHOUTS FROM THE MARINES AND WE'RE ON THE MOVE. UNSTEADY CAMERA AS WE HEAD FOR A DOORWAY.

TIM: And here we go. No-one is quite sure what to expect.

DOORS KICKED DOWN, THE PROPERTY IS EMPTY APART FROM A FEW FRIGHTENED WOMEN AND CHILDREN HUDDLED IN ONE CORNER.

TIM: So it would appear that any Taliban fighters have long since departed. Just these few startled women and children remain. But, we have found the lightbulb.

CLOSE UP OF BARE LIGHTBULB HANGING FROM CEILING.

TIM: We need to ascertain that it is in fact dead, but no-one will touch it until the Royal Engineers get here, just in case it's booby trapped. Back to you, Natasha.

NATASHA: Tim. And you can see more of Tim Gurning's report from Afganistan, including the changing of the lightbulb, in Newsnight tonight.

Hairdressers ...

Struggling today. Sore throat, blocked nose. Hot lemon drinks with honey. Feeling completely drained. I've been fortunate over the past few years in that I've had very few colds, and they normally don't hang around too long. So, I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be back to my bubbly, effervescent self; or what passes for effervescence where I'm concerned.

Today then I've simply reached for a new lightbulb off the shelf. Stuck a pin in the list and this one was the result. Right, job done, nightcap, early to bed, lots of snoring tonight!

Q: How many hairdressers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two; one to change the bulb, the other to say 'Wow, that looks fabulous! I love what you've done with that."

Surrealists ...

I like surreal jokes. Totally daft, and utterly meaningless, but I like them.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Deckchair"

Try telling that one at a party and see how it goes down. You could watch a room full of puzzled people still trying to work it out hours later.
"Sorry, but that joke you told earlier. You know, the one with the chicken and the deckchair. I don't think I've quite got it. Is there a connection between the deckchair and the chicken?"

There might be an opening for a Surrealist Stand Up. Perhaps as a performance piece in the Tate Modern. ( I won't get started on modern art just yet. That's coming up later in the week ) Then again, if you start to think about it, a lot of jokes start of on a pretty surreal footing anyway. Look at what manner of animals and inanimate objects walk into a bar without anyone being the least bit surprised.

As for a lightbulb joke, well you could put anything for the answer, but you still need to be a bit creative to make it amusing.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to stroke the large fish. One to fill the bathtub with clocks.

Survey takers ...

Thankfully I'm not called upon too many times to High Street shop these days. Clothes shopping in particular simply irritates me, and I'd much rather lose myself in a well stocked bookstore. When I do venture out to the city then it is not uncommon to have the added trial of the High Street survey takers.

Always hunting in packs, they present a formidable obstacle. There is a knack to negotiating this human obstacle course, which involves timing, agility and a certain amount of good fortune. Rarely have they all ensnared some poor wretch at the same time, so you need to stay focussed on the ones who are scanning the High Street for likely targets.

If they are immediately in front of your destination store then you will have to be strong, avoid eye contact at all costs and dash past them anxiously looking at your watch as if late for some hugely important meeting. If, on the other hand, your destination is beyond the last one then a combination of brisk walking, veering across the road to casually look at a window then swiftly moving on, and, the key tactic, no eye contact, should see you safely home.

Q: How many survey takers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1. About three times a week.
2. Tesco's, Sainsbury's, or Morrison's.
3. I never vote at elections.

Climatologists ...

So, we're all doomed, the planet's warming up, the seas will rise and swallow the land, and we will be consumed by a plague of locusts, frogs, aardvarks, whatever.

Personally I'm looking forward to the UK enjoying the current climate of the Med. Holidays at home for a start. No more hassle at airports having to take off your shoes and every part of your body scanned, and the delays, the cramped seats, poor airline food, baggage allowance, hoping your bags arrive at the same destination as you ... arrgh!

No I'll happily settle for guaranteed sunny holidays at home, and if the sea reclaims a good portion of east Norfolk we'll probably find ourselves transformed from country market town, to fashionable seaside resort. We won't have to travel anywhere for our holidays at all. Just walk through the town on to the beach. It just gets better.
Global warming? Bring it on!

Q: How many climatologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It’s not just down to us is it; it’s governments, business and us as individuals. Everything about the need for lightbulb change was said at Kyoto. We all have a part to play.

Lager louts ...

Where did that week go. Sunday again, so another chill day. Not so perhaps for thousands of our country's youth, nursing a hangover and recovering from yet another weekend getting slaughtered. Not the most edifying of spectacles to watch young people out on the streets, off their heads, and either violent, semi-comatose or spilling the contents of their evening's consumption on to the pavements. Particularly concerning for parents of young teenage children. You fear for their health and well being if these trends continue. If you are a liver disease specialist in the UK then your job, it seems, is secure for a long, long time to come.

And on that depressing note I give you ...

Q: How many lager louts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll need 14 pints before he can reach.

Story tellers ...

When my daughter was younger my wife and I made it a habit to read to her, and encourage her to look at books, enjoy the stories and begin the reading habit. That early effort clearly paid off because as the years have passed she has enjoyed reading book after book, and that enjoyment spills over into her English lessons when she is required to write her own stories.

At one time we might have thought that books as an entertainment medium were on the decline with the advent of laptops, digital TV, DVD's, and games consoles. Not a bit of it. The likes of J K Rowling, Jaqueline Wilson, Philip Pullman and Anthony Horowitz have helped to fuel a reading desire amongst the young, and the book is very much alive and kicking.

What these writers do have in common with all the great writers is the ability to tell a good story. That's basically the real secret to success; a good story told well. The writing style may vary, the prose may be basic or florid, but at the heart of a good book is the story. Which leads us nicely to our question for today.

Q: How many story tellers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You’ll just have to wait and find out. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. Once upon a time there was a beautiful lightbulb ...

NASA technicians ...

Where were you on 21st July 1969. Rather a philosophical question if you are under 38, but for the rest of us one of those seminal moments in history. While Neil Armstrong was taking that small step for (a) man, I was taking considerably more around the Suffolk countryside.

It was the tradition of my Grammar School that they organise a 50 mile walk near the end of the summer term. Yes, that's right, 50 miles! As a 16 year old sixth former I was eligible to undertake this rite of passage and set off about 8.00 o'clock in the evening from the school car park, aiming to return there sometime the following morning.

So let's just recap on this. Dozens of sixteen and seventeen year olds walking 50 miles along main roads and country lanes late at night. Those were the days. Forget about health and safety, just get out there and do it!

It was about midnight when I and my mate walking with me ( everyone was strung out along several miles by this time ) passed through the village where I lived. I was very tempted to wake my parents and call it a night, but decided to soldier on. I think I eventually had to retire about the 30 mile mark with swollen feet. By the time I was back at home, crashed out on the sofa, re-runs were being shown of the landing. Curiously I also carried my own white life support bag on my back that night. Life support for me meant drink and snacks rather than oxygen, but it was another reason to remember my own giant leap.

Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

Mexicans ...

I had the ending but no beginning for today's post, so it's a bit of a meander.

As a family we've been to Florida on a couple of occasions, and of the Disney parks I still enjoy MGM and Epcot the best. MGM because I love film and television so that will always have a special attraction, but I think Epcot appeals because it doesn't have quite the manic hordes of visitors that the Magic Kingdom has in high season ( both times were late June/July ) and I find it a lot more restful. Particularly walking round the lake and visiting each of the different nations.

On our last visit we actually booked a meal at the Rose and Crown, at the United Kingdom pavillion, which turned out to be the most expensive of our whole holiday! At least they served Woodpecker cider which was a very welcome sight on a very hot day. It is a long way round that lake with not many opportunities to sit down, so it's quite nice to watch a show or hop on a ride.

Norway has the Maelstrom, which is a turbulent boat ride through their Viking past, and Mexico has El Rio Del Tiempo, "The River of Time", which is a far more gentle affair, floating gently around the pavillion, where it's lit for perpetual night.

Thus, by this rather circuitous route, we have drifted to today's bulb changers ...

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just Juan.